Barristan Selmy / Jaime Lannister / Loras Tyrell

Barristan

Why Marry? Because in this Kingsguard edition of MFK Westeros, Barristan is the most straight-forward good guy among these choices. He’s unambiguous and actually listens to his conscience. While he gave up his claim to the Selmy family seat at Harvest Hall long ago, he is the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard and served under four kings, which is pretty prestigious.

Why F***? Because his skills on the battlefield have not dulled with age, so it’s probably safe to say that Barristan the Bold is in peak “fighting” condition.

Why Kill? Because you will always play second fiddle not only to his sense of honor and duty, but to Ashara Dayne, for whom he has carried a torch for more than 15 years.

Jaime

Why Marry? Because even though Tyrion is famed (rightly) as the smart and funny Lannister brother, Jaime gives the Imp a run for his money. Because he is such a skilled warrior (another good quality in a husband if you’re going to be living in the very violent Westeros), he’s never really had to focus on developing his intelligence, but his wit is becoming more and more apparent as his story unfurls. Point is: beneath those bloody, bloody hands may lie a pretty cool person.

Why F***? Because look at him. I’ll give you as much time as you need to stare at that picture.

Why Kill? Because you want to avenge Bran Stark…and everyone else who has suffered this Lannister’s wrath. Moreover, Jaime has said that the only time he truly feels alive is when he’s killing or having sex, which is more than a little disturbing.

Loras

Why Marry? Because he’s a pretty boy who’s no dummy. Loras works with the rest of House Tyrell as a unit to get the things they want. Such finely honed communication skills would be an excellent quality in a husband. He and his house have also managed to successfully and without consequences back two kings in this war for the realm: everything is coming up roses for them! Additionally, Loras is a romantic at heart—he wore his dead lover’s armor into battle to avenge his murder. That’s sweetly badass, no?

Why F***? Because he has a big lance and he knows how to use it.

Why Kill? Because the Tyrells play it close to the vest—it’s very hard to penetrate that rosebush of a family, even if you are linked to them by marriage. You may find yourself getting pricked by all those thorns.



Our Picks
C-$: Marry Loras, F*** Jaime, Kill Barristan
Erin: Marry Jaime, F*** Loras, Kill Barristan
Jamie: Marry Jaime, F*** Barristan, Kill Loras

Benjen Stark / Jorah Mormont / Renly Baratheon

Benjen Stark



Why Marry? Because Benjen is a handsome super-star ranger of the Night’s Watch, who gave up a luxurious lord’s life to devote his life to service. Bravery is damn sexy, and this raven-haired third Stark son is nothing if not brave.

Why F***? Because he is easy on the eyes and hasn’t gotten laid in years, so you know he’d go to (Mole)town on you.

Why Kill? Because where the hell is this guy?! Just show up, Benjen! Alive, as a White Walker, as a corpse: seriously, anything! If being dead means that we get some closure with you so be it!


 

Jorah Mormont



Why Marry? Because this man wants a Khaleesi to call his own—to serve, protect, and cherish—and if you’re not the gift-grabby Lynesse you just might fit the bill. Moreover, he’s already been married, so maybe this is a guy who can learn from his mistakes.

Why F***? Because in addition to being devoted as all get-up he is also damn good-looking.

Why Kill? Because he’s a traitorous slave trader! I cannot stress this enough! I’ve gotten a lot of crap from a bunch of you (including Erin!), who tell me how awful I am for expressing disdain for him, but you have to admit that this is hardly a guy who shows the best judgment. 



Renly Baratheon



Why Marry? Because so many girls have a Renly Baratheon in their lives—that really handsome, popular, wonderful friend—and they can’t figure out why he’s not interested! How great would it be to actually marry such a great guy? (Be resigned, however, to a more or less sexless marriage.)

Why F***? Because you know he’d invite Loras, too.

Why Kill? Because who wants a sexless marriage or to be the unwelcome third in a menage-aux-trois?



Our Picks
Cedar: Marry Jorah, F*** Benjen, Kill Renly
Erin: Marry Jorah, F*** Benjen, Kill Renly
Jamie: Marry Renly, F*** Jorah, Kill Benjen
 

Brienne of Tarth / Davos Seaworth / Samwell Tarly

Brienne of Tarth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because Brienne is starved for affection and quick to love, which will make her a committed partner. Also, she rarely wears anything other than armor and mail, so you won't have to spend lots of money on fancy silk dresses and hairnets dotted with purple amethysts.

 

Why F***? Because you like a woman on top.

 

Why Kill? Because Brienne is stubborn and a bit too honorable, both of which can get you into trouble when you play the game of thrones.

 

 

 

Davos Seaworth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because Davos values his family above all else. He has gone from a low-born smuggler to one of Stannis Baratheon's most trusted confidantes, and continues to be on the rise.

 

Why F***? Because what he lacks in fingers, he makes up for in... other ways.

 

Why Kill? Because who wants to hang out with a guy whose nickname is the "Onion Knight?!" Lamest. Sigil. Ever.

 

 

 

Samwell Tarly

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because you want someone with whom to enjoy the finer things in life: music, art, books, food... Sam is also thoughtful, considerate, and -- after being shunned by his father and playing second fiddle to his younger brother for years -- eager for love and acceptance.

 

Why F***? Because you like being a teacher in the bedroom. Or are content to be without sex for the rest of your life. He is a sworn brother of the Night's Watch, after all.

 

Why Kill? Because Sam is afraid of his own shadow. When times get tough, the tough get going and Sam gets into the fetal position.

 

 

 

Our Picks

 

Cedar: Marry Sam, F*** Davos, Kill Brienne

Erin: Marry Davos, F*** Brienne, Kill Sam

Jamie: Marry Sam, F*** Davos, Kill Brienne

Craster / Gregor Clegane (The Mountain) / Ilyn Payne

 Craster

 






 
Why Marry? Because if you’re beyond the Wall you’re going to need shelter, and he has it. That is, literally, the only possible reason I can think of to marry Craster—because you’re in a situation where you would die of exposure otherwise.

Why F***? Because you’re beyond the Wall and you need shelter and he says he’ll let you stay there if you f*** him. Again—f***ing him is better than dying of exposure, but only slightly.

Why Kill? Because so many reasons. Craster is an evil, baby-killing, daughter raping, pedophile-y creeper. Even the Night’s Watch—an organization composed of murderers, thieves, rapists, and ne’er-do-wells of every stripe—is loathe to have any dealings with him.

 

 The Mountain

 










 
Why Marry? Because you’re an optimist, and you’re not going to let the fact that he murdered his first two wives keep you from this diamond in the rough.

Why F***? Because you have a thing for eight-foot-tall, 420 pound knights with arms like tree trunks; and for some macabre reason, you like to play Russian roulette with your sexual partners.

Why Kill? Because, let’s face it: chances are it’s you or him in this particularly difficult round of MFK Westeros. Like Craster, the Mountain is an evil, baby-killing rapist. In addition to his wives, his murder victims include his father, sister, and fellow soldiers among countless smallfolk. He also burned off half of his brother Sandor’s face.

Ilyn

Why Marry? Because you don’t want a chatty husband.

Why F***? Because you really dig skinny, hollow-cheeked, pockmarked, eerie-looking bald guys.

Why Kill? Because Ser Ilyn lives for nothing but killing. As the King’s Justice under Robert and then Joffrey Baratheon, Ilyn excelled and rarely needed more than one blow to decapitate a prisoner… including Ned Stark.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Ilyn, F*** Craster, Kill the Mountain 
Erin:  Marry Ilyn, F*** Craster, Kill the Mountain
Jamie: Marry Ilyn, F*** Craster, Kill the Mountain 

Bronn / Sandor "The Hound" Clegane / Yoren

Bronn

Why Marry? Because Bronn is smart and funny, though in unconventional ways, and has been more loyal than one might expect from a sellsword.

Why F***? Because you know what they say about long swords...

Why Kill? Because he kills people for money. And judging by his appearance and the company he's kept, your head may have a more attractive pricetag than you'd like.

Sandor "The Hound" Clegane

Why Marry? Because the Hound has grown a lot from the bloodthirsty days of his youth. Time and torture have softened him, and he has shown his capacity for compassion and good judgment.

Why F***? Because you have a thing for guys who are (more than) a little rough around the edges.

Why Kill? Because years of abuse from his childhood have made the Hound hardened and unpredictable. And his alcoholism doesn't help matters, either.

Yoren

Why Marry? Because Yoren is steadfast and dependable. Yes, he may not be the liveliest of guys, but in the unpredictable world of Westeros, loyalty cannot be undervalued.

Why F***? Because as a sworn brother of the Night's Watch for at least thirty years, Yoren is likely desperate for another's affections. There's likely little he wouldn't do to please you and be pleased by you.

Why Kill? Because his years in the Night's Watch have sucked all of the fun from him. He's a bit of a Debbie Downer and - in the grand scheme of things - very expendable.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Bronn, F*** Yoren, Kill The Hound
Erin: Marry Yoren, F*** Bronn, Kill The Hound
Jamie: Marry Yoren, F*** Bronn, Kill The Hound

Daenerys Targaryen / Jon Snow / Tyrion Lannister

Daenerys

Why Marry? Because while the Mother of Dragons may be calculating and violent in her desire to reclaim her birthright, she is nevertheless compassion, wise, even-keeled, and cares deeply for those who are loyal to her. She is also hailed as the most beautiful woman in the world: looks aren’t everything, but they sure don’t hurt.

Why F***? Because this ravishing beauty likes it hot… though probably hotter than you would be comfortable with, actually.

Why Kill? Because “the Targaryens have always danced too close to madness… madness and greatness are two sides of the same coin. Every time a Targaryen is born, the gods toss a coin in the air and the world holds its breath to see how it will land.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t like them odds.

Jon

Why Marry? Because while his past may be murky, his future is clearly with you. Jon is that tragic, broken hero we all believe we can fix—he’s angsty and emo, yet strong and intelligent. Like his father, Jon has honor that knows no bounds, and he would bravely dedicate his life to serving and protecting you. Also, he comes with a great big fluffy puppy!

Why F***? Because once you go black (brother) you never go back.

Why Kill? Because he just keeps going on, and on, and on about his vows. Yes, we know Jon, you’re “a man of the Night’s Watch”—it’s not that big a deal. Shut up!

Tyrion

Why Marry? Because you want a well-born, sophisticated man who can discuss books, politics, and fine wines as easily as he can crack a bawdy joke. He has demonstrated tremendous intelligence, bravery, and compassion. He is also loyal to those close to him: despite being the black sheep of the Lannister clan, Tyrion prides himself on “never betting against family.”

Why F***? Because you like to get a little impish between the sheets.

Why Kill? Because he’s a noseless dwarf who’s pissed off a whole lot of powerful people: allying with him may not be a particularly savvy move.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Daenerys, F*** Jon, Kill Tyrion
Erin: Marry Jon, F*** Danenerys, Kill Tyrion
Jamie: Marry Tyrion, F*** Daenerys, Kill Jon

Barristan Selmy / Brynden Tully / Eddard Stark

Barristan Selmy

 








 

Why Marry? Because Barristan is an honest-to-goodness knight in shining armor. When most people can be described as brave, loyal, and honest, you can usually bet they’re none too bright: but not Barristan. This dude knows what’s up. All these qualities would make him an excellent husband (if members of the Kingsguard could marry, which they so can for the purposes of this game).

Why F***? Because you’re into good looking older guys.

Why Kill? Because Barristan was one of the few people who did not give up his allegiance to the Targaryens during Robert’s Rebellion—he supported the Mad King until the very end, which goes to show that he can be loyal to a fault.

 

Brynden Tully

 

 








 

Why Marry? Because the Blackfish is a kindly man who values his house words above all: family, duty, and honor. He is a handsome man with wit and intelligence as well as compassion. He is, however, a committed bachelor, which might be an impediment to marital bliss.

Why F***? Because he may not be willing to marry you, but a quick romp might be just fine by him!

Why Kill? Because let's be honest: as a group, the Tullys are sort of annoying. Holidays would be unbearable and you know you'd have to go to Riverrun for every. single. one. because "Family. Duty. Honor. Blah blah blah."

 

Eddard Stark

 








 

Why Marry? Because he's Ned F***ing Stark. As handsome as he is kind, this lord of Winterfell cherishes his wife, children, and vassals. His strong moral compass is a hindrance to his political abilities and ambitions, but if quiet country living is the life for you, then by the old gods and the new, marry Ned!

Why F***? Because winter is coming and so should you.

Why Kill? Because, as we all know, our poor Ned is not a particularly gifted player in the Game of Thrones.  If you don’t kill him, someone else will.

 

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Ned, F*** Barristan, Kill Brynden

Erin: Marry Barristan, F*** Ned, Kill Brynden

Jamie: Marry Brynden, F*** Ned, Kill Barristan

Mance Rayder / Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish / Theon Greyjoy

Mance Rayder

Why Marry? Because if you can't marry the King on the Iron Throne, you might as well marry the King Beyond the Wall. Mance is a lover of music and entertainment and seems to treat his women (relatively) well.

Why F***? Because he's got some wildling in him. He's not a bad-looking fellow and the wildlings are known for being fearless in the sack.

Why Kill? Because Mance is a turncoat; he deserted his brothers of the Night's Watch and now plans to attack them. You can't trust him.

Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish

Why Marry? Because as we've mentioned before, Littlefinger has pulled himself up by his bootstraps to become one of the most powerful players in King's Landing. He's going places, and you could be the one that goes with him.

Why F***? Because he started learning the ways of women at a young age from the Tully girls, so he's had plenty of time to practice.

Why Kill? Because Littlefinger is a sneaky little bugger. He will likely stop at nothing to gain more power, and you should probably get rid of him before he gets rid of you.

Theon Greyjoy

Why Marry? Because Theon is ambitious and clever. All he wants is for someone to love and believe in him, and if you're that someone, there's probably little he wouldn't do for you.

Why F***? Because he's tall, dark, and handsome. Plus he's been around the block a few times.

Why Kill? Because he is both arrogant and ruthless: a dangerous combination.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Mance, F*** Theon, Kill Littlefinger
Erin: Marry Mance, F*** Theon, Kill Littlefinger
Jamie: Marry Mance, F*** Theon, Kill Littlefinger

Balon Greyjoy / Stannis Baratheon / Tywin Lannister

Balon

  




















Why Marry? Because as an Iron Born lord, he has achieved his status through merit, not birthright, unlike all those dandy-ish southron lords. He’s a risk-taker and kind of  badass. Okay, granted, his risk-taking and badassery hasn’t worked out so well for him in the past (what with leading a failed rebellion and having to give his only son as a hostage for 10 years), but if you’re an ambitious pirate queen, Balon might be the man for you.

Why F***? Because you don’t want to “make love.” You want some hardcore, aggresive f***ing.

Why Kill? Because what is dead may never die, but rises again, harder and stronger.

Stannis

 
  









Why Marry? Because in previous posts, we’ve established that Stannis is pretty solid, if boring. What we have not discussed is that he is a real contender for the Iron Throne. Dear Dead Headless Ned was getting ready to write to him to tell him to come claim it—he has Ned approval, you guys!

Why F***? Because it wouldn’t be terrible, right? Sort of vanilla, the lights would probably be out (or maybe they’d be on: for the night is dark and full of terrors), and there would be zero cuddling afterwards, but you could do worse in Westeros.

Why Kill? Because, despite all the above arguments, you realize we’re talking about Stannis Baratheon. Stannis. 

Tywin

Why Marry? Because you’re a gold digger… literally. Tywin’s stronghold, Casterly Rock, is built on a mountain of gold. Additionally, Tywin is a power player who dearly loved his wife Joanna, so he’s historically been pretty decent husband material.

Why F***? Because power is sexy and you love bald guys.

Why Kill? Because Tywin is one of the most dangerous men in Westeros and is only out for himself and his family—it would be good for the realm to take him out of the picture. (Also, because you remember how mean he is to Tyrion.)

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Tywin, F*** Stannis, Kill Balon
Erin: Marry Tywin, F*** Stannis, Kill Balon
Jamie: Marry Stannis, F*** Balon, Kill Tywin (for the good of the realm!)

Daenerys Targaryen / Margaery Tyrell / Ygritte

Daenerys Targaryen

Why Marry? Because Dany is confident, beautiful, ambitious, and, arguably, the rightful Queen of the Seven Kingdoms. How awesome would it be to stand by her side as she reclaims the throne? Also, she has dragons.

Why F***? Because she has become well-versed in the language of the bedroom through her marriage to Khal Drogo and thorough instruction from Doreah. She's also stunningly attractive.

Why Kill? Because as her confidence has grown, so has her determination to get what she wants at any cost. Dany has left many dead or damaged in her wake, and if she sees you as an obstacle to reaching the Iron Throne, you're likely to become one of them. Did I mention she has dragons?!

Margaery Tyrell

Why Marry? Because who wouldn't want to married to the most beautiful woman in Westeros? Margaery is also kind, smart, and more clever than she appears.

Why F***? Because taking the maidenhood of the most beautiful woman in Westeros is the next best thing to marrying her.

Why Kill? Because the Tyrells have thorns hidden behind those rosy exteriors, and they are less pliable and predictable than they originally appear.

Ygritte

Why Marry? Because she's spontaneous, fun to be around, and good-humored. If you want a strong, confident wildling woman, Ygritte's your gal!

Why F***? Because her passion is as fiery as her hair. She's experienced and insatiable, and has probably picked up some tricks during her adventures beyond the Wall.

Why Kill? Because she's an unpredictable wildling and killing is in her blood.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Dany, F*** Margaery, Kill Ygritte
Erin: Marry Dany, F*** Margaery, Kill Ygritte
Jamie: Marry Margaery, F*** Dany, Kill Ygritte

Roose Bolton / Sandor "The Hound" Clegane / Viserys Targaryen

Roose Bolton

Why Marry? Because when it comes to Roose Bolton, it's much better to be with him than against him. He is clever and skilled both on and off the battlefield and holds family in high regard.

Why F***? Because as a proponent of the "Lord's Right" marriage tradition, Roose has much practice in bedding newlywed maidens. He's also described as "soft hairless," if that's your thing.

Why Kill? Because Roose Bolton is arguably one of the cruelest men in Westeros. If you cross him, you're likely to get flayed, as his sigil forewarns. He's also really into leechings. Gross.

Sandor "The Hound" Clegane

Why Marry? Because he is strong and obedient, and behind that mutilated exterior is a glimmer of kindness, as evidenced by his saving Sansa multiple times from potential torture, rape, and murder.

Why F***? Because although he may not be the prettiest thing to look at, the Hound needs someone to lick his wounds, so to speak. Years of being ridiculed and hated have undoubtedly taken their toll, and all that pent-up frustration and anger may make for a wild night in bed.

Why Kill? Because at the end of the day, the Hound is brutal and dangerous. He has been killing men since he was 12, and old habits die hard.

Viserys Targaryen

Why Marry? Because if you care about family lineage, Viserys is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne, and marrying him could make you queen.

Why F***? Because Viserys has the beautiful silver-blond hair and purple eyes of the Targaryen clan. And if you call him your "king" in the bedroom, you could be in for a fulfilling night.

Why Kill? Because Viserys can be vicious and abusive, particularly if you do something that "awakens the dragon." His steadfast belief in his right to the Iron Throne causes him to insult or attack anyone who challenges that conviction.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry The Hound, F*** Roose Bolton, Kill Viserys
Erin: Marry The Hound, F*** Viserys, Kill Roose Bolton
Jamie: Marry The Hound, F*** Roose Bolton, Kill Viserys