Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Craster / Gregor Clegane (The Mountain) / Ilyn Payne


Why Marry? Because if you’re beyond the Wall you’re going to need shelter, and he has it. That is, literally, the only possible reason I can think of to marry Craster—because you’re in a situation where you would die of exposure otherwise.

Why F***? Because you’re beyond the Wall and you need shelter and he says he’ll let you stay there if you f*** him. Again—f***ing him is better than dying of exposure, but only slightly.

Why Kill? Because so many reasons. Craster is an evil, baby-killing, daughter raping, pedophile-y creeper. Even the Night’s Watch—an organization composed of murderers, thieves, rapists, and ne’er-do-wells of every stripe—is loathe to have any dealings with him.


 The Mountain 

Why Marry? Because you’re an optimist, and you’re not going to let the fact that he murdered his first two wives keep you from this diamond in the rough.

Why F***? Because you have a thing for eight-foot-tall, 420 pound knights with arms like tree trunks; and for some macabre reason, you like to play Russian roulette with your sexual partners.

Why Kill? Because, let’s face it: chances are it’s you or him in this particularly difficult round of MFK Westeros. Like Craster, the Mountain is an evil, baby-killing rapist. In addition to his wives, his murder victims include his father, sister, and fellow soldiers among countless smallfolk. He also burned off half of his brother Sandor’s face.


Why Marry? Because you don’t want a chatty husband.

Why F***? Because you really dig skinny, hollow-cheeked, pockmarked, eerie-looking bald guys.

Why Kill? Because Ser Ilyn lives for nothing but killing. As the King’s Justice under Robert and then Joffrey Baratheon, Ilyn excelled and rarely needed more than one blow to decapitate a prisoner… including Ned Stark.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Ilyn, F*** Craster, Kill the Mountain 
Erin:  Marry Ilyn, F*** Craster, Kill the Mountain
Jamie: Marry Ilyn, F*** Craster, Kill the Mountain 

1 comment:

  1. Wow--how do you choose among THESE? I think I threw up a little just thinking about doing anything but killing ANY of these dudes.