Monday, March 25, 2013

Benjen Stark / Jorah Mormont / Renly Baratheon

Benjen Stark

Why Marry? Because Benjen is a handsome super-star ranger of the Night’s Watch, who gave up a luxurious lord’s life to devote his life to service. Bravery is damn sexy, and this raven-haired third Stark son is nothing if not brave.

Why F***? Because he is easy on the eyes and hasn’t gotten laid in years, so you know he’d go to (Mole)town on you.

Why Kill? Because where the hell is this guy?! Just show up, Benjen! Alive, as a White Walker, as a corpse: seriously, anything! If being dead means that we get some closure with you so be it!


Jorah Mormont

Why Marry?
Because this man wants a Khaleesi to call his own—to serve, protect, and cherish—and if you’re not the gift-grabby Lynesse you just might fit the bill. Moreover, he’s already been married, so maybe this is a guy who can learn from his mistakes.

Why F***? Because in addition to being devoted as all get-up he is also damn good-looking.

Why Kill? Because he’s a traitorous slave trader! I cannot stress this enough! I’ve gotten a lot of crap from a bunch of you (including Erin!), who tell me how awful I am for expressing disdain for him, but you have to admit that this is hardly a guy who shows the best judgment. 

Renly Baratheon

Why Marry?
Because so many girls have a Renly Baratheon in their lives—that really handsome, popular, wonderful friend—and they can’t figure out why he’s not interested! How great would it be to actually marry such a great guy? (Be resigned, however, to a more or less sexless marriage.)

Why F***? Because you know he’d invite Loras, too.

Why Kill? Because who wants a sexless marriage or to be the unwelcome third in a menage-aux-trois?

Our Picks
Cedar: Marry Jorah, F*** Benjen, Kill Renly
Erin: Marry Jorah, F*** Benjen, Kill Renly
Jamie: Marry Renly, F*** Jorah, Kill Benjen


  1. M Jorah
    F Benjen
    K Renly
    Let's not forget that Jorah became a slaver for love, as misguided as it was. Benjen has really pretty eyes, and is confident and capable. I SUPER like Renly, but he has a sass that rubs me the wrong way, and in the game of marry/fuck/kill, its marry, fuck, or die.

  2. M Benjen, because, let's face it--he's on the WALL. The man needs rescuing. And he's a Stark. And hot. And if he won't come off the Wall, you're no worse off than before marrying him.

    F Jorah, because he too is hot, but he's a traitor and thus can't be trusted not to sell me into slavery if I married him. And still...

    K Renly, because he too pisses me off. I don't lie that whole spoiled, self-deluded younling thing. Very annoying.

    1. Dude. Did you say "youngling"? Nerd.