Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Salladhor Saan / Shae / Syrio Forel

Salladhor Saan


Why Marry? Because Salladhor is a man of the world—smuggler, trader, banker—there is nary a trade this enterprising pirate lord does not dabble in. Yet his flamboyant nature and jovial sense of humor belies a hard, serious businessman. This combination could make for a fun yet secure husband. He was also named Lord of Blackwater Bay, so marrying him would make you a pirate lady! (To be real, though: he was named thus by some big eared Florent, so who knows how much sway that actually holds)

Why F***? Because Salladhor seems to like to keep it casual—he prefers concubines to wives—so it might behoove you to just have a good time.

Why Kill? Because: pirate! This Lysene ne’er-do-well will likely ne’er do well, and is more interested in gold than loyalty, so you’d best stay away.


Why Marry? Because Shae is as witty as she is beautiful—she has won the interest and eventually the heart of Tyrion Lannister, which is an impressive feat. Despite her humble origins, the dark haired and petite Shae has developed a taste for the finer things, but if you can provide her with a manse and fine dresses, she may prove a loyal companion.

Why F***? Because she is a professional, and professionalism is so hard to find these days.

Why Kill? Because Tywin and Cersei Lannister have threatened to do it already.

Syrio Forel

Why Marry? Because Syrio Forel is awesome. This Braavosi water dancer knows how to train champions: he is tough yet nurturing, so can we say “awesome father material”? He’s also brave and loyal, having saved Arya by fending off a cadre of guards with a wooden sword, which is so kickass I can hardly stand it.

Why F***? Because you’re into tough love.

Why Kill? Because you want the bragging rights. Again, the guy took out five guards with a wooden sword. Not a real sword: a sword made of wood. If you could take him out you’re basically a god. (Sidenote: we haven’t seen Syrio in a long time, but he has to be alive, right? Right?!) 

Our Picks
C-$: Marry Syrio, F*** Shae, Kill Salladhor 
Erin: Marry Syrio, F*** Shae, Kill Salladhor
Jamie: Marry Syrio, F*** Shae, Kill Salladhor

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Barristan Selmy / Jaime Lannister / Loras Tyrell


Why Marry?
Because in this Kingsguard edition of MFK Westeros, Barristan is the most straight-forward good guy among these choices. He’s unambiguous and actually listens to his conscience. While he gave up his claim to the Selmy family seat at Harvest Hall long ago, he is the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard and served under four kings, which is pretty prestigious.

Why F***? Because his skills on the battlefield have not dulled with age, so it’s probably safe to say that Barristan the Bold is in peak “fighting” condition.

Why Kill? Because you will always play second fiddle not only to his sense of honor and duty, but to Ashara Dayne, for whom he has carried a torch for more than 15 years.


Why Marry?
Because even though Tyrion is famed (rightly) as the smart and funny Lannister brother, Jaime gives the Imp a run for his money. Because he is such a skilled warrior (
another good quality in a husband if you’re going to be living in the very violent Westeros), he’s never really had to focus on developing his intelligence, but his wit is becoming more and more apparent as his story unfurls. Point is: beneath those bloody, bloody hands may lie a pretty cool person.

Why F***? Because look at him. I’ll give you as much time as you need to stare at that picture.

Why Kill? Because you want to avenge Bran Stark…and everyone else who has suffered this Lannister’s wrath. Moreover, Jaime has said that the only time he truly feels alive is when he’s killing or having sex, which is more than a little disturbing.


Why Marry? Because he’s a pretty boy who’s no dummy. Loras works with the rest of House Tyrell as a unit to get the things they want. Such finely honed communication skills would be an excellent quality in a husband. He and his house have also managed to successfully and without consequences back two kings in this war for the realm: everything is coming up roses for them! Additionally, Loras is a romantic at heart—he wore his dead lover’s armor into battle to avenge his murder. That’s sweetly badass, no?

Why F***? Because he has a big lance and he knows how to use it.

Why Kill? Because the Tyrells play it close to the vest—it’s very hard to penetrate that rosebush of a family, even if you are linked to them by marriage. You may find yourself getting pricked by all those thorns.

Our Picks
C-$: Marry Loras, F*** Jaime, Kill Barristan
Erin: Marry Jaime, F*** Loras, Kill Barristan
Jamie: Marry Jaime, F*** Barristan, Kill Loras

Monday, March 25, 2013

Benjen Stark / Jorah Mormont / Renly Baratheon

Benjen Stark


Why Marry? Because Benjen is a handsome super-star ranger of the Night’s Watch, who gave up a luxurious lord’s life to devote his life to service. Bravery is damn sexy, and this raven-haired third Stark son is nothing if not brave.

Why F***? Because he is easy on the eyes and hasn’t gotten laid in years, so you know he’d go to (Mole)town on you.

Why Kill? Because where the hell is this guy?! Just show up, Benjen! Alive, as a White Walker, as a corpse: seriously, anything! If being dead means that we get some closure with you so be it!


Jorah Mormont


Why Marry?
Because this man wants a Khaleesi to call his own—to serve, protect, and cherish—and if you’re not the gift-grabby Lynesse you just might fit the bill. Moreover, he’s already been married, so maybe this is a guy who can learn from his mistakes.

Why F***? Because in addition to being devoted as all get-up he is also damn good-looking.

Why Kill? Because he’s a traitorous slave trader! I cannot stress this enough! I’ve gotten a lot of crap from a bunch of you (including Erin!), who tell me how awful I am for expressing disdain for him, but you have to admit that this is hardly a guy who shows the best judgment. 

Renly Baratheon


Why Marry?
Because so many girls have a Renly Baratheon in their lives—that really handsome, popular, wonderful friend—and they can’t figure out why he’s not interested! How great would it be to actually marry such a great guy? (Be resigned, however, to a more or less sexless marriage.)

Why F***? Because you know he’d invite Loras, too.

Why Kill? Because who wants a sexless marriage or to be the unwelcome third in a menage-aux-trois?

Our Picks
Cedar: Marry Jorah, F*** Benjen, Kill Renly
Erin: Marry Jorah, F*** Benjen, Kill Renly
Jamie: Marry Renly, F*** Jorah, Kill Benjen

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Brienne of Tarth / Davos Seaworth / Samwell Tarly

Brienne of Tarth

Why Marry? Because Brienne is starved for affection and quick to love, which will make her a committed partner. Also, she rarely wears anything other than armor and mail, so you won't have to spend lots of money on fancy silk dresses and hairnets dotted with purple amethysts.
Why F***? Because you like a woman on top.
Why Kill? Because Brienne is stubborn and a bit too honorable, both of which can get you into trouble when you play the game of thrones.

Davos Seaworth

Why Marry? Because Davos values his family above all else. He has gone from a low-born smuggler to one of Stannis Baratheon's most trusted confidantes, and continues to be on the rise.
Why F***? Because what he lacks in fingers, he makes up for in... other ways.
Why Kill? Because who wants to hang out with a guy whose nickname is the "Onion Knight?!" Lamest. Sigil. Ever.

Samwell Tarly

Why Marry? Because you want someone with whom to enjoy the finer things in life: music, art, books, food... Sam is also thoughtful, considerate, and -- after being shunned by his father and playing second fiddle to his younger brother for years -- eager for love and acceptance.
Why F***? Because you like being a teacher in the bedroom. Or are content to be without sex for the rest of your life. He is a sworn brother of the Night's Watch, after all.
Why Kill? Because Sam is afraid of his own shadow. When times get tough, the tough get going and Sam gets into the fetal position.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Sam, F*** Davos, Kill Brienne
Erin: Marry Davos, F*** Brienne, Kill Sam
Jamie: Marry Sam, F*** Davos, Kill Brienne

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Craster / Gregor Clegane (The Mountain) / Ilyn Payne



Why Marry? Because if you’re beyond the Wall you’re going to need shelter, and he has it. That is, literally, the only possible reason I can think of to marry Craster—because you’re in a situation where you would die of exposure otherwise.

Why F***? Because you’re beyond the Wall and you need shelter and he says he’ll let you stay there if you f*** him. Again—f***ing him is better than dying of exposure, but only slightly.

Why Kill? Because so many reasons. Craster is an evil, baby-killing, daughter raping, pedophile-y creeper. Even the Night’s Watch—an organization composed of murderers, thieves, rapists, and ne’er-do-wells of every stripe—is loathe to have any dealings with him.


 The Mountain


Why Marry? Because you’re an optimist, and you’re not going to let the fact that he murdered his first two wives keep you from this diamond in the rough.

Why F***? Because you have a thing for eight-foot-tall, 420 pound knights with arms like tree trunks; and for some macabre reason, you like to play Russian roulette with your sexual partners.

Why Kill? Because, let’s face it: chances are it’s you or him in this particularly difficult round of MFK Westeros. Like Craster, the Mountain is an evil, baby-killing rapist. In addition to his wives, his murder victims include his father, sister, and fellow soldiers among countless smallfolk. He also burned off half of his brother Sandor’s face.



Why Marry? Because you don’t want a chatty husband.

Why F***? Because you really dig skinny, hollow-cheeked, pockmarked, eerie-looking bald guys.

Why Kill? Because Ser Ilyn lives for nothing but killing. As the King’s Justice under Robert and then Joffrey Baratheon, Ilyn excelled and rarely needed more than one blow to decapitate a prisoner… including Ned Stark.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Ilyn, F*** Craster, Kill the Mountain 
Erin:  Marry Ilyn, F*** Craster, Kill the Mountain
Jamie: Marry Ilyn, F*** Craster, Kill the Mountain 

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Bronn / Sandor "The Hound" Clegane / Yoren


Why Marry? Because Bronn is smart and funny, though in unconventional ways, and has been more loyal than one might expect from a sellsword.

Why F***? Because you know what they say about long swords...

Why Kill? Because he kills people for money. And judging by his appearance and the company he's kept, your head may have a more attractive pricetag than you'd like.

Sandor "The Hound" Clegane

Why Marry? Because the Hound has grown a lot from the bloodthirsty days of his youth. Time and torture have softened him, and he has shown his capacity for compassion and good judgment.

Why F***? Because you have a thing for guys who are (more than) a little rough around the edges.

Why Kill? Because years of abuse from his childhood have made the Hound hardened and unpredictable. And his alcoholism doesn't help matters, either.


Why Marry? Because Yoren is steadfast and dependable. Yes, he may not be the liveliest of guys, but in the unpredictable world of Westeros, loyalty cannot be undervalued.

Why F***? Because as a sworn brother of the Night's Watch for at least thirty years, Yoren is likely desperate for another's affections. There's likely little he wouldn't do to please you and be pleased by you.

Why Kill? Because his years in the Night's Watch have sucked all of the fun from him. He's a bit of a Debbie Downer and - in the grand scheme of things - very expendable.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Bronn, F*** Yoren, Kill The Hound
Erin: Marry Yoren, F*** Bronn, Kill The Hound
Jamie: Marry Yoren, F*** Bronn, Kill The Hound

Friday, March 15, 2013

Daenerys Targaryen / Jon Snow / Tyrion Lannister


Why Marry? Because while the Mother of Dragons may be calculating and violent in her desire to reclaim her birthright, she is nevertheless compassion, wise, even-keeled, and cares deeply for those who are loyal to her. She is also hailed as the most beautiful woman in the world: looks aren’t everything, but they sure don’t hurt.

Why F***? Because this ravishing beauty likes it hot… though probably hotter than you would be comfortable with, actually.

Why Kill? Because “the Targaryens have always danced too close to madness… madness and greatness are two sides of the same coin. Every time a Targaryen is born, the gods toss a coin in the air and the world holds its breath to see how it will land.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t like them odds.


Why Marry? Because while his past may be murky, his future is clearly with you. Jon is that tragic, broken hero we all believe we can fix—he’s angsty and emo, yet strong and intelligent. Like his father, Jon has honor that knows no bounds, and he would bravely dedicate his life to serving and protecting you. Also, he comes with a great big fluffy puppy!

Why F***? Because once you go black (brother) you never go back.

Why Kill? Because he just keeps going on, and on, and on about his vows. Yes, we know Jon, you’re “a man of the Night’s Watch”—it’s not that big a deal. Shut up!


Why Marry? Because you want a well-born, sophisticated man who can discuss books, politics, and fine wines as easily as he can crack a bawdy joke. He has demonstrated tremendous intelligence, bravery, and compassion. He is also loyal to those close to him: despite being the black sheep of the Lannister clan, Tyrion prides himself on “never betting against family.”

Why F***? Because you like to get a little impish between the sheets.

Why Kill? Because he’s a noseless dwarf who’s pissed off a whole lot of powerful people: allying with him may not be a particularly savvy move.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Daenerys, F*** Jon, Kill Tyrion
Erin: Marry Jon, F*** Danenerys, Kill Tyrion
Jamie: Marry Tyrion, F*** Daenerys, Kill Jon