Why Marry? Because in this Kingsguard edition of MFK Westeros, Barristan is the most straight-forward good guy among these choices. He’s unambiguous and actually listens to his conscience. While he gave up his claim to the Selmy family seat at Harvest Hall long ago, he is the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard and served under four kings, which is pretty prestigious.
Why F***? Because his skills on the battlefield have not dulled with age, so it’s probably safe to say that Barristan the Bold is in peak “fighting” condition.
Why Kill? Because you will always play second fiddle not only to his sense of honor and duty, but to Ashara Dayne, for whom he has carried a torch for more than 15 years.
Jaime
Why Marry? Because even though Tyrion is famed (rightly) as the smart and funny Lannister brother, Jaime gives the Imp a run for his money. Because he is such a skilled warrior (another good quality in a husband if you’re going to be living in the very violent Westeros), he’s never really had to focus on developing his intelligence, but his wit is becoming more and more apparent as his story unfurls. Point is: beneath those bloody, bloody hands may lie a pretty cool person.
Why F***? Because look at him. I’ll give you as much time as you need to stare at that picture.
Why Kill? Because you want to avenge Bran Stark…and everyone else who has suffered this Lannister’s wrath. Moreover, Jaime has said that the only time he truly feels alive is when he’s killing or having sex, which is more than a little disturbing.
Loras
Why Marry? Because he’s a pretty boy who’s no dummy. Loras works with the rest of House Tyrell as a unit to get the things they want. Such finely honed communication skills would be an excellent quality in a husband. He and his house have also managed to successfully and without consequences back two kings in this war for the realm: everything is coming up roses for them! Additionally, Loras is a romantic at heart—he wore his dead lover’s armor into battle to avenge his murder. That’s sweetly badass, no?
Why F***? Because he has a big lance and he knows how to use it.
Why Kill? Because the Tyrells play it close to the vest—it’s very hard to penetrate that rosebush of a family, even if you are linked to them by marriage. You may find yourself getting pricked by all those thorns.
Our Picks
C-$: Marry Loras, F*** Jaime, Kill Barristan
Erin: Marry Jaime, F*** Loras, Kill Barristan
Jamie: Marry Jaime, F*** Barristan, Kill Loras
