Brienne of Tarth / Davos Seaworth / Samwell Tarly

Brienne of Tarth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because Brienne is starved for affection and quick to love, which will make her a committed partner. Also, she rarely wears anything other than armor and mail, so you won't have to spend lots of money on fancy silk dresses and hairnets dotted with purple amethysts.

 

Why F***? Because you like a woman on top.

 

Why Kill? Because Brienne is stubborn and a bit too honorable, both of which can get you into trouble when you play the game of thrones.

 

 

 

Davos Seaworth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because Davos values his family above all else. He has gone from a low-born smuggler to one of Stannis Baratheon's most trusted confidantes, and continues to be on the rise.

 

Why F***? Because what he lacks in fingers, he makes up for in... other ways.

 

Why Kill? Because who wants to hang out with a guy whose nickname is the "Onion Knight?!" Lamest. Sigil. Ever.

 

 

 

Samwell Tarly

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because you want someone with whom to enjoy the finer things in life: music, art, books, food... Sam is also thoughtful, considerate, and -- after being shunned by his father and playing second fiddle to his younger brother for years -- eager for love and acceptance.

 

Why F***? Because you like being a teacher in the bedroom. Or are content to be without sex for the rest of your life. He is a sworn brother of the Night's Watch, after all.

 

Why Kill? Because Sam is afraid of his own shadow. When times get tough, the tough get going and Sam gets into the fetal position.

 

 

 

Our Picks

 

Cedar: Marry Sam, F*** Davos, Kill Brienne

Erin: Marry Davos, F*** Brienne, Kill Sam

Jamie: Marry Sam, F*** Davos, Kill Brienne

Craster / Gregor Clegane (The Mountain) / Ilyn Payne

 Craster

 






 
Why Marry? Because if you’re beyond the Wall you’re going to need shelter, and he has it. That is, literally, the only possible reason I can think of to marry Craster—because you’re in a situation where you would die of exposure otherwise.

Why F***? Because you’re beyond the Wall and you need shelter and he says he’ll let you stay there if you f*** him. Again—f***ing him is better than dying of exposure, but only slightly.

Why Kill? Because so many reasons. Craster is an evil, baby-killing, daughter raping, pedophile-y creeper. Even the Night’s Watch—an organization composed of murderers, thieves, rapists, and ne’er-do-wells of every stripe—is loathe to have any dealings with him.

 

 The Mountain

 










 
Why Marry? Because you’re an optimist, and you’re not going to let the fact that he murdered his first two wives keep you from this diamond in the rough.

Why F***? Because you have a thing for eight-foot-tall, 420 pound knights with arms like tree trunks; and for some macabre reason, you like to play Russian roulette with your sexual partners.

Why Kill? Because, let’s face it: chances are it’s you or him in this particularly difficult round of MFK Westeros. Like Craster, the Mountain is an evil, baby-killing rapist. In addition to his wives, his murder victims include his father, sister, and fellow soldiers among countless smallfolk. He also burned off half of his brother Sandor’s face.

Ilyn

Why Marry? Because you don’t want a chatty husband.

Why F***? Because you really dig skinny, hollow-cheeked, pockmarked, eerie-looking bald guys.

Why Kill? Because Ser Ilyn lives for nothing but killing. As the King’s Justice under Robert and then Joffrey Baratheon, Ilyn excelled and rarely needed more than one blow to decapitate a prisoner… including Ned Stark.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Ilyn, F*** Craster, Kill the Mountain 
Erin:  Marry Ilyn, F*** Craster, Kill the Mountain
Jamie: Marry Ilyn, F*** Craster, Kill the Mountain 

Bronn / Sandor "The Hound" Clegane / Yoren

Bronn

Why Marry? Because Bronn is smart and funny, though in unconventional ways, and has been more loyal than one might expect from a sellsword.

Why F***? Because you know what they say about long swords...

Why Kill? Because he kills people for money. And judging by his appearance and the company he's kept, your head may have a more attractive pricetag than you'd like.

Sandor "The Hound" Clegane

Why Marry? Because the Hound has grown a lot from the bloodthirsty days of his youth. Time and torture have softened him, and he has shown his capacity for compassion and good judgment.

Why F***? Because you have a thing for guys who are (more than) a little rough around the edges.

Why Kill? Because years of abuse from his childhood have made the Hound hardened and unpredictable. And his alcoholism doesn't help matters, either.

Yoren

Why Marry? Because Yoren is steadfast and dependable. Yes, he may not be the liveliest of guys, but in the unpredictable world of Westeros, loyalty cannot be undervalued.

Why F***? Because as a sworn brother of the Night's Watch for at least thirty years, Yoren is likely desperate for another's affections. There's likely little he wouldn't do to please you and be pleased by you.

Why Kill? Because his years in the Night's Watch have sucked all of the fun from him. He's a bit of a Debbie Downer and - in the grand scheme of things - very expendable.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Bronn, F*** Yoren, Kill The Hound
Erin: Marry Yoren, F*** Bronn, Kill The Hound
Jamie: Marry Yoren, F*** Bronn, Kill The Hound

Daenerys Targaryen / Jon Snow / Tyrion Lannister

Daenerys

Why Marry? Because while the Mother of Dragons may be calculating and violent in her desire to reclaim her birthright, she is nevertheless compassion, wise, even-keeled, and cares deeply for those who are loyal to her. She is also hailed as the most beautiful woman in the world: looks aren’t everything, but they sure don’t hurt.

Why F***? Because this ravishing beauty likes it hot… though probably hotter than you would be comfortable with, actually.

Why Kill? Because “the Targaryens have always danced too close to madness… madness and greatness are two sides of the same coin. Every time a Targaryen is born, the gods toss a coin in the air and the world holds its breath to see how it will land.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t like them odds.

Jon

Why Marry? Because while his past may be murky, his future is clearly with you. Jon is that tragic, broken hero we all believe we can fix—he’s angsty and emo, yet strong and intelligent. Like his father, Jon has honor that knows no bounds, and he would bravely dedicate his life to serving and protecting you. Also, he comes with a great big fluffy puppy!

Why F***? Because once you go black (brother) you never go back.

Why Kill? Because he just keeps going on, and on, and on about his vows. Yes, we know Jon, you’re “a man of the Night’s Watch”—it’s not that big a deal. Shut up!

Tyrion

Why Marry? Because you want a well-born, sophisticated man who can discuss books, politics, and fine wines as easily as he can crack a bawdy joke. He has demonstrated tremendous intelligence, bravery, and compassion. He is also loyal to those close to him: despite being the black sheep of the Lannister clan, Tyrion prides himself on “never betting against family.”

Why F***? Because you like to get a little impish between the sheets.

Why Kill? Because he’s a noseless dwarf who’s pissed off a whole lot of powerful people: allying with him may not be a particularly savvy move.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Daenerys, F*** Jon, Kill Tyrion
Erin: Marry Jon, F*** Danenerys, Kill Tyrion
Jamie: Marry Tyrion, F*** Daenerys, Kill Jon

Barristan Selmy / Brynden Tully / Eddard Stark

Barristan Selmy

 








 

Why Marry? Because Barristan is an honest-to-goodness knight in shining armor. When most people can be described as brave, loyal, and honest, you can usually bet they’re none too bright: but not Barristan. This dude knows what’s up. All these qualities would make him an excellent husband (if members of the Kingsguard could marry, which they so can for the purposes of this game).

Why F***? Because you’re into good looking older guys.

Why Kill? Because Barristan was one of the few people who did not give up his allegiance to the Targaryens during Robert’s Rebellion—he supported the Mad King until the very end, which goes to show that he can be loyal to a fault.

 

Brynden Tully

 

 








 

Why Marry? Because the Blackfish is a kindly man who values his house words above all: family, duty, and honor. He is a handsome man with wit and intelligence as well as compassion. He is, however, a committed bachelor, which might be an impediment to marital bliss.

Why F***? Because he may not be willing to marry you, but a quick romp might be just fine by him!

Why Kill? Because let's be honest: as a group, the Tullys are sort of annoying. Holidays would be unbearable and you know you'd have to go to Riverrun for every. single. one. because "Family. Duty. Honor. Blah blah blah."

 

Eddard Stark

 








 

Why Marry? Because he's Ned F***ing Stark. As handsome as he is kind, this lord of Winterfell cherishes his wife, children, and vassals. His strong moral compass is a hindrance to his political abilities and ambitions, but if quiet country living is the life for you, then by the old gods and the new, marry Ned!

Why F***? Because winter is coming and so should you.

Why Kill? Because, as we all know, our poor Ned is not a particularly gifted player in the Game of Thrones.  If you don’t kill him, someone else will.

 

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Ned, F*** Barristan, Kill Brynden

Erin: Marry Barristan, F*** Ned, Kill Brynden

Jamie: Marry Brynden, F*** Ned, Kill Barristan

Mance Rayder / Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish / Theon Greyjoy

Mance Rayder

Why Marry? Because if you can't marry the King on the Iron Throne, you might as well marry the King Beyond the Wall. Mance is a lover of music and entertainment and seems to treat his women (relatively) well.

Why F***? Because he's got some wildling in him. He's not a bad-looking fellow and the wildlings are known for being fearless in the sack.

Why Kill? Because Mance is a turncoat; he deserted his brothers of the Night's Watch and now plans to attack them. You can't trust him.

Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish

Why Marry? Because as we've mentioned before, Littlefinger has pulled himself up by his bootstraps to become one of the most powerful players in King's Landing. He's going places, and you could be the one that goes with him.

Why F***? Because he started learning the ways of women at a young age from the Tully girls, so he's had plenty of time to practice.

Why Kill? Because Littlefinger is a sneaky little bugger. He will likely stop at nothing to gain more power, and you should probably get rid of him before he gets rid of you.

Theon Greyjoy

Why Marry? Because Theon is ambitious and clever. All he wants is for someone to love and believe in him, and if you're that someone, there's probably little he wouldn't do for you.

Why F***? Because he's tall, dark, and handsome. Plus he's been around the block a few times.

Why Kill? Because he is both arrogant and ruthless: a dangerous combination.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Mance, F*** Theon, Kill Littlefinger
Erin: Marry Mance, F*** Theon, Kill Littlefinger
Jamie: Marry Mance, F*** Theon, Kill Littlefinger

Balon Greyjoy / Stannis Baratheon / Tywin Lannister

Balon

  




















Why Marry? Because as an Iron Born lord, he has achieved his status through merit, not birthright, unlike all those dandy-ish southron lords. He’s a risk-taker and kind of  badass. Okay, granted, his risk-taking and badassery hasn’t worked out so well for him in the past (what with leading a failed rebellion and having to give his only son as a hostage for 10 years), but if you’re an ambitious pirate queen, Balon might be the man for you.

Why F***? Because you don’t want to “make love.” You want some hardcore, aggresive f***ing.

Why Kill? Because what is dead may never die, but rises again, harder and stronger.

Stannis

 
  









Why Marry? Because in previous posts, we’ve established that Stannis is pretty solid, if boring. What we have not discussed is that he is a real contender for the Iron Throne. Dear Dead Headless Ned was getting ready to write to him to tell him to come claim it—he has Ned approval, you guys!

Why F***? Because it wouldn’t be terrible, right? Sort of vanilla, the lights would probably be out (or maybe they’d be on: for the night is dark and full of terrors), and there would be zero cuddling afterwards, but you could do worse in Westeros.

Why Kill? Because, despite all the above arguments, you realize we’re talking about Stannis Baratheon. Stannis. 

Tywin

Why Marry? Because you’re a gold digger… literally. Tywin’s stronghold, Casterly Rock, is built on a mountain of gold. Additionally, Tywin is a power player who dearly loved his wife Joanna, so he’s historically been pretty decent husband material.

Why F***? Because power is sexy and you love bald guys.

Why Kill? Because Tywin is one of the most dangerous men in Westeros and is only out for himself and his family—it would be good for the realm to take him out of the picture. (Also, because you remember how mean he is to Tyrion.)

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Tywin, F*** Stannis, Kill Balon
Erin: Marry Tywin, F*** Stannis, Kill Balon
Jamie: Marry Stannis, F*** Balon, Kill Tywin (for the good of the realm!)