Balon
Why Marry? Because as an Iron Born lord, he has achieved his status through merit, not birthright, unlike all those dandy-ish southron lords. He’s a risk-taker and kind of badass. Okay, granted, his risk-taking and badassery hasn’t worked out so well for him in the past (what with leading a failed rebellion and having to give his only son as a hostage for 10 years), but if you’re an ambitious pirate queen, Balon might be the man for you.
Why F***? Because you don’t want to “make love.” You want some hardcore, aggresive f***ing.
Why Kill? Because what is dead may never die, but rises again, harder and stronger.
Stannis
Why Marry? Because in previous posts, we’ve established that Stannis is pretty solid, if boring. What we have not discussed is that he is a real contender for the Iron Throne. Dear Dead Headless Ned was getting ready to write to him to tell him to come claim it—he has Ned approval, you guys!
Why F***? Because it wouldn’t be terrible, right? Sort of vanilla, the lights would probably be out (or maybe they’d be on: for the night is dark and full of terrors), and there would be zero cuddling afterwards, but you could do worse in Westeros.
Why Kill? Because, despite all the above arguments, you realize we’re talking about Stannis Baratheon. Stannis.
Tywin
Why Marry? Because you’re a gold digger… literally. Tywin’s stronghold, Casterly Rock, is built on a mountain of gold. Additionally, Tywin is a power player who dearly loved his wife Joanna, so he’s historically been pretty decent husband material.
Why F***? Because power is sexy and you love bald guys.
Why Kill? Because Tywin is one of the most dangerous men in Westeros and is only out for himself and his family—it would be good for the realm to take him out of the picture. (Also, because you remember how mean he is to Tyrion.)
Our Picks
Cedar: Marry Tywin, F*** Stannis, Kill Balon
Erin: Marry Tywin, F*** Stannis, Kill Balon
Jamie: Marry Stannis, F*** Balon, Kill Tywin (for the good of the realm!)
M None
ReplyDeleteF None
K all of them. Treacherous scabs!
M: Tywin, F: Stannis, K: Balon
ReplyDeleteTywin knows what he's doing. He's also probably the sanest of all of them, even if he can never love again after the death of his former wife.
Stannis is like that professor that you absolutely hate: smart, thinks he's always right, refuses to acknowledge the possibility that there are exceptions to rules. But at least he's not gross like Balon.
Balon = gross. And crazy. Zero redeeming qualities.