Barristan Selmy / Jaime Lannister / Loras Tyrell

Barristan

Why Marry? Because in this Kingsguard edition of MFK Westeros, Barristan is the most straight-forward good guy among these choices. He’s unambiguous and actually listens to his conscience. While he gave up his claim to the Selmy family seat at Harvest Hall long ago, he is the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard and served under four kings, which is pretty prestigious.

Why F***? Because his skills on the battlefield have not dulled with age, so it’s probably safe to say that Barristan the Bold is in peak “fighting” condition.

Why Kill? Because you will always play second fiddle not only to his sense of honor and duty, but to Ashara Dayne, for whom he has carried a torch for more than 15 years.

Jaime

Why Marry? Because even though Tyrion is famed (rightly) as the smart and funny Lannister brother, Jaime gives the Imp a run for his money. Because he is such a skilled warrior (another good quality in a husband if you’re going to be living in the very violent Westeros), he’s never really had to focus on developing his intelligence, but his wit is becoming more and more apparent as his story unfurls. Point is: beneath those bloody, bloody hands may lie a pretty cool person.

Why F***? Because look at him. I’ll give you as much time as you need to stare at that picture.

Why Kill? Because you want to avenge Bran Stark…and everyone else who has suffered this Lannister’s wrath. Moreover, Jaime has said that the only time he truly feels alive is when he’s killing or having sex, which is more than a little disturbing.

Loras

Why Marry? Because he’s a pretty boy who’s no dummy. Loras works with the rest of House Tyrell as a unit to get the things they want. Such finely honed communication skills would be an excellent quality in a husband. He and his house have also managed to successfully and without consequences back two kings in this war for the realm: everything is coming up roses for them! Additionally, Loras is a romantic at heart—he wore his dead lover’s armor into battle to avenge his murder. That’s sweetly badass, no?

Why F***? Because he has a big lance and he knows how to use it.

Why Kill? Because the Tyrells play it close to the vest—it’s very hard to penetrate that rosebush of a family, even if you are linked to them by marriage. You may find yourself getting pricked by all those thorns.



Our Picks
C-$: Marry Loras, F*** Jaime, Kill Barristan
Erin: Marry Jaime, F*** Loras, Kill Barristan
Jamie: Marry Jaime, F*** Barristan, Kill Loras

Daenerys Targaryen / Jon Snow / Tyrion Lannister

Daenerys

Why Marry? Because while the Mother of Dragons may be calculating and violent in her desire to reclaim her birthright, she is nevertheless compassion, wise, even-keeled, and cares deeply for those who are loyal to her. She is also hailed as the most beautiful woman in the world: looks aren’t everything, but they sure don’t hurt.

Why F***? Because this ravishing beauty likes it hot… though probably hotter than you would be comfortable with, actually.

Why Kill? Because “the Targaryens have always danced too close to madness… madness and greatness are two sides of the same coin. Every time a Targaryen is born, the gods toss a coin in the air and the world holds its breath to see how it will land.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t like them odds.

Jon

Why Marry? Because while his past may be murky, his future is clearly with you. Jon is that tragic, broken hero we all believe we can fix—he’s angsty and emo, yet strong and intelligent. Like his father, Jon has honor that knows no bounds, and he would bravely dedicate his life to serving and protecting you. Also, he comes with a great big fluffy puppy!

Why F***? Because once you go black (brother) you never go back.

Why Kill? Because he just keeps going on, and on, and on about his vows. Yes, we know Jon, you’re “a man of the Night’s Watch”—it’s not that big a deal. Shut up!

Tyrion

Why Marry? Because you want a well-born, sophisticated man who can discuss books, politics, and fine wines as easily as he can crack a bawdy joke. He has demonstrated tremendous intelligence, bravery, and compassion. He is also loyal to those close to him: despite being the black sheep of the Lannister clan, Tyrion prides himself on “never betting against family.”

Why F***? Because you like to get a little impish between the sheets.

Why Kill? Because he’s a noseless dwarf who’s pissed off a whole lot of powerful people: allying with him may not be a particularly savvy move.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Daenerys, F*** Jon, Kill Tyrion
Erin: Marry Jon, F*** Danenerys, Kill Tyrion
Jamie: Marry Tyrion, F*** Daenerys, Kill Jon

Balon Greyjoy / Stannis Baratheon / Tywin Lannister

Balon

  




















Why Marry? Because as an Iron Born lord, he has achieved his status through merit, not birthright, unlike all those dandy-ish southron lords. He’s a risk-taker and kind of  badass. Okay, granted, his risk-taking and badassery hasn’t worked out so well for him in the past (what with leading a failed rebellion and having to give his only son as a hostage for 10 years), but if you’re an ambitious pirate queen, Balon might be the man for you.

Why F***? Because you don’t want to “make love.” You want some hardcore, aggresive f***ing.

Why Kill? Because what is dead may never die, but rises again, harder and stronger.

Stannis

 
  









Why Marry? Because in previous posts, we’ve established that Stannis is pretty solid, if boring. What we have not discussed is that he is a real contender for the Iron Throne. Dear Dead Headless Ned was getting ready to write to him to tell him to come claim it—he has Ned approval, you guys!

Why F***? Because it wouldn’t be terrible, right? Sort of vanilla, the lights would probably be out (or maybe they’d be on: for the night is dark and full of terrors), and there would be zero cuddling afterwards, but you could do worse in Westeros.

Why Kill? Because, despite all the above arguments, you realize we’re talking about Stannis Baratheon. Stannis. 

Tywin

Why Marry? Because you’re a gold digger… literally. Tywin’s stronghold, Casterly Rock, is built on a mountain of gold. Additionally, Tywin is a power player who dearly loved his wife Joanna, so he’s historically been pretty decent husband material.

Why F***? Because power is sexy and you love bald guys.

Why Kill? Because Tywin is one of the most dangerous men in Westeros and is only out for himself and his family—it would be good for the realm to take him out of the picture. (Also, because you remember how mean he is to Tyrion.)

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Tywin, F*** Stannis, Kill Balon
Erin: Marry Tywin, F*** Stannis, Kill Balon
Jamie: Marry Stannis, F*** Balon, Kill Tywin (for the good of the realm!)

Cersei Lannister / Lysa Arryn / Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish

Cersei Lannister

Why Marry? Because she is Queen regent and a prominent member of an extremely powerful family—marrying her could be an advantageous political move.

Why F***? Because she is one of the fairest ladies in the land.

 

Why Kill? Because the Maester General has determined that being married to Cersei is hazardous to your health. And unless you're Jaime, you are not her bedroom type. Also: she's Cersei Lannister. Come on now.

 

 

 

Lysa Arryn

 

 

Why Marry? Because even though Lysa is a neurotic psychopath, she’s pretty easily manipulated if you play your cards right (though you have to be okay with playing second fiddle to Little Lord Robert). Also, as she’s Catelyn’s sister, you would have a good excuse to go hang out with the Starks if you wanted to!

Why F***? Because Lysa is completely love-starved and all that longing would probably make for a fun time.

Why Kill? Because the woman is completely insufferable.

 

 

 

Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish

 

 

Why Marry? Because he has worked his way up from a backwater lordling to one of the most powerful men in Westeros: this guy is a master player and allying yourself with him may not be a bad bet. If you truly believe yourself to be in his good graces his scheming could get you places.

Why F***? Because he’s a quick study, and has probably picked up a few good tips in the brothel he owns.

Why Kill? Because as Ned Stark learned too late, Littlefinger is dangerous. If you leave him alive, you will always have to be on your toes.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Cersei, F*** Lysa, Kill Littlefinger

Erin: Marry Lysa, F*** Cersei, Kill Littlefinger

Jamie:  Marry Lysa, F*** Cersei, Kill Littlefinger

 

Brienne of Tarth / Jorah Mormont / Tyrion Lannister

Brienne of Tarth

Why Marry? Because Brienne is nothing if not loyal. She would undoubtedly risk everything to protect -- and please -- those she loves. She's also pretty handy with a sword, which, in Westeros, cannot be undervalued.

Why F***? Because she has a lot of pent-up passion in that lumbering body of hers. A lot. She's also pretty athletic and surprisingly nimble, which might translate well in the bedroom.

Why Kill? Because she's a little too eager to please. And her unwavering allegiance to Renly would get really old really fast.

Jorah Mormont

Why Marry? Because Jorah has proven himself a devoted companion and will offer both protection and advice. And, although his marriage to Lynesse isn't going too great, it's not for lack of effort -- or expensive gifts -- on his part.

Why F***? Because he is eager to please and somewhat starved for love, which means he's likely to try his very hardest (pun intended) in the sack.

Why Kill? Because he is an exiled knight and a former slave trader, both of which bring into question his morals. Also, that whole "tattling on Dany's comings and goings to Varys" thing suggests that his loyalty may be easily sold to the highest bidder.

Tyrion Lannister

Why Marry? Because he's clearly the best of the Lannisters, even if he doesn't share their good looks. Tyrion is witty, intelligent, and charming, and though he can be cruel at times, he also possesses a great deal of empathy, due to his own experience as the butt of many jokes.

Why F***? Because even though he's not a "whole man," Tyrion has had a lot of practice in the bedroom, and takes great pride in satisfying his women, whores or otherwise.

Why Kill? Because Tyrion may be too cunning for his own good... or yours. They say when you play the game of thrones, you win or you die, and if Tyrion has decided that you're not going to win, then it's probably better to kill him before he can get to you.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Tyrion, F*** Jorah, Kill Brienne
Erin: Marry Tyrion, F*** Jorah, Kill Brienne
Jamie: Marry Tyrion, F*** Brienne, Kill Jorah

Catelyn Tully / Cersei Lannister / Melisandre

Catelyn Tully

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because she has proven herself a dedicated wife and mother, always putting her family first, even if it upsets the kingdom's order.

 

Why F***? Because she has managed to keep her figure, despite giving birth to five children, and has always acquiesced to her husband's needs in the boudoir.

 

Why Kill? Because her poor decision-making skills keep getting her and her family into trouble. Plus, she was cruel to Jon Snow. How could anyone be cruel to Jon Snow?!

 

 

Cersei Lannister

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because if you're in her inner circle, you're golden, as she will stop at nothing to gain power and recognition for herself and her family.

 

Why F***?  Because she's basically the Barbie of Westeros. And I'm sure if you threw on a blonde wig, she'd love you even longer.

 

Why Kill? Because she's vicious and calculating. And you're a brunette.

 

 

Melisandre

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because when it comes to shadow-birthing priestesses, it's better to be by their side than against them.

 

Why F***?  Because her R'hllor magic probably comes with some erotic perks or powers. She's also as beautiful as she is mysterious.

 

Why Kill? Because no one (wo)man should have all that power. And if you look at her sideways, she's likely to sic her shadow assassin on you.

 

 

 

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Melisandre, F*** Catelyn, Kill Cersei

Erin: Marry Melisandre, F*** Catelyn, Kill Cersei

Jamie: Marry Melisandre, F*** Cersei, Kill Catelyn

Jaime Lannister / Joffrey Baratheon / Theon Greyjoy

Jaime Lannister

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because he is fiercely loyal to his family, and he produces beautiful, blond children.

 

Why F***? Because he is arguably the most passionate lover in the Seven Kingdoms. In other words: He. Will. Ravish. You.

 

Why Kill? Because, c'mon, he's the Kingslayer, and clearly has no trouble reneging on his oaths.

 

 

 

Joffrey Baratheon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because you'd get to be the Queen, with a capital Q.

 

Why F***? Because he definitely inherited the Lannister looks and hopefully inherited the family's bedroom skills as well.

 

Why Kill? Because he is clearly not the nicest king to have ever taken the throne. And he is a little too quick to the greatsword.

 

 

 

Theon Greyjoy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because he is very driven when it comes to his goals. And that brooding, handsome face wouldn't be the worst thing to come home to day after day.

 

Why F***? Because he has lots of bedroom experience and many of his conquests come back for seconds.

 

Why Kill? Because he seems to have no trouble destroying anything - or anyone - that gets in the way of his plans.

 

 

 

Our Picks

 

Cedar: Marry Jaime, F*** Theon, Kill Joffrey

Erin: Marry Jaime, F*** Theon, Kill Joffrey

Jamie: Marry Jaime, F*** Theon, Kill Joffrey