Benjen Stark / Jorah Mormont / Renly Baratheon

Benjen Stark



Why Marry? Because Benjen is a handsome super-star ranger of the Night’s Watch, who gave up a luxurious lord’s life to devote his life to service. Bravery is damn sexy, and this raven-haired third Stark son is nothing if not brave.

Why F***? Because he is easy on the eyes and hasn’t gotten laid in years, so you know he’d go to (Mole)town on you.

Why Kill? Because where the hell is this guy?! Just show up, Benjen! Alive, as a White Walker, as a corpse: seriously, anything! If being dead means that we get some closure with you so be it!


 

Jorah Mormont



Why Marry? Because this man wants a Khaleesi to call his own—to serve, protect, and cherish—and if you’re not the gift-grabby Lynesse you just might fit the bill. Moreover, he’s already been married, so maybe this is a guy who can learn from his mistakes.

Why F***? Because in addition to being devoted as all get-up he is also damn good-looking.

Why Kill? Because he’s a traitorous slave trader! I cannot stress this enough! I’ve gotten a lot of crap from a bunch of you (including Erin!), who tell me how awful I am for expressing disdain for him, but you have to admit that this is hardly a guy who shows the best judgment. 



Renly Baratheon



Why Marry? Because so many girls have a Renly Baratheon in their lives—that really handsome, popular, wonderful friend—and they can’t figure out why he’s not interested! How great would it be to actually marry such a great guy? (Be resigned, however, to a more or less sexless marriage.)

Why F***? Because you know he’d invite Loras, too.

Why Kill? Because who wants a sexless marriage or to be the unwelcome third in a menage-aux-trois?



Our Picks
Cedar: Marry Jorah, F*** Benjen, Kill Renly
Erin: Marry Jorah, F*** Benjen, Kill Renly
Jamie: Marry Renly, F*** Jorah, Kill Benjen
 

Brienne of Tarth / Jorah Mormont / Tyrion Lannister

Brienne of Tarth

Why Marry? Because Brienne is nothing if not loyal. She would undoubtedly risk everything to protect -- and please -- those she loves. She's also pretty handy with a sword, which, in Westeros, cannot be undervalued.

Why F***? Because she has a lot of pent-up passion in that lumbering body of hers. A lot. She's also pretty athletic and surprisingly nimble, which might translate well in the bedroom.

Why Kill? Because she's a little too eager to please. And her unwavering allegiance to Renly would get really old really fast.

Jorah Mormont

Why Marry? Because Jorah has proven himself a devoted companion and will offer both protection and advice. And, although his marriage to Lynesse isn't going too great, it's not for lack of effort -- or expensive gifts -- on his part.

Why F***? Because he is eager to please and somewhat starved for love, which means he's likely to try his very hardest (pun intended) in the sack.

Why Kill? Because he is an exiled knight and a former slave trader, both of which bring into question his morals. Also, that whole "tattling on Dany's comings and goings to Varys" thing suggests that his loyalty may be easily sold to the highest bidder.

Tyrion Lannister

Why Marry? Because he's clearly the best of the Lannisters, even if he doesn't share their good looks. Tyrion is witty, intelligent, and charming, and though he can be cruel at times, he also possesses a great deal of empathy, due to his own experience as the butt of many jokes.

Why F***? Because even though he's not a "whole man," Tyrion has had a lot of practice in the bedroom, and takes great pride in satisfying his women, whores or otherwise.

Why Kill? Because Tyrion may be too cunning for his own good... or yours. They say when you play the game of thrones, you win or you die, and if Tyrion has decided that you're not going to win, then it's probably better to kill him before he can get to you.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Tyrion, F*** Jorah, Kill Brienne
Erin: Marry Tyrion, F*** Jorah, Kill Brienne
Jamie: Marry Tyrion, F*** Brienne, Kill Jorah