Brienne of Tarth / Davos Seaworth / Samwell Tarly

Brienne of Tarth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because Brienne is starved for affection and quick to love, which will make her a committed partner. Also, she rarely wears anything other than armor and mail, so you won't have to spend lots of money on fancy silk dresses and hairnets dotted with purple amethysts.

 

Why F***? Because you like a woman on top.

 

Why Kill? Because Brienne is stubborn and a bit too honorable, both of which can get you into trouble when you play the game of thrones.

 

 

 

Davos Seaworth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because Davos values his family above all else. He has gone from a low-born smuggler to one of Stannis Baratheon's most trusted confidantes, and continues to be on the rise.

 

Why F***? Because what he lacks in fingers, he makes up for in... other ways.

 

Why Kill? Because who wants to hang out with a guy whose nickname is the "Onion Knight?!" Lamest. Sigil. Ever.

 

 

 

Samwell Tarly

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because you want someone with whom to enjoy the finer things in life: music, art, books, food... Sam is also thoughtful, considerate, and -- after being shunned by his father and playing second fiddle to his younger brother for years -- eager for love and acceptance.

 

Why F***? Because you like being a teacher in the bedroom. Or are content to be without sex for the rest of your life. He is a sworn brother of the Night's Watch, after all.

 

Why Kill? Because Sam is afraid of his own shadow. When times get tough, the tough get going and Sam gets into the fetal position.

 

 

 

Our Picks

 

Cedar: Marry Sam, F*** Davos, Kill Brienne

Erin: Marry Davos, F*** Brienne, Kill Sam

Jamie: Marry Sam, F*** Davos, Kill Brienne

Brienne of Tarth / Jorah Mormont / Tyrion Lannister

Brienne of Tarth

Why Marry? Because Brienne is nothing if not loyal. She would undoubtedly risk everything to protect -- and please -- those she loves. She's also pretty handy with a sword, which, in Westeros, cannot be undervalued.

Why F***? Because she has a lot of pent-up passion in that lumbering body of hers. A lot. She's also pretty athletic and surprisingly nimble, which might translate well in the bedroom.

Why Kill? Because she's a little too eager to please. And her unwavering allegiance to Renly would get really old really fast.

Jorah Mormont

Why Marry? Because Jorah has proven himself a devoted companion and will offer both protection and advice. And, although his marriage to Lynesse isn't going too great, it's not for lack of effort -- or expensive gifts -- on his part.

Why F***? Because he is eager to please and somewhat starved for love, which means he's likely to try his very hardest (pun intended) in the sack.

Why Kill? Because he is an exiled knight and a former slave trader, both of which bring into question his morals. Also, that whole "tattling on Dany's comings and goings to Varys" thing suggests that his loyalty may be easily sold to the highest bidder.

Tyrion Lannister

Why Marry? Because he's clearly the best of the Lannisters, even if he doesn't share their good looks. Tyrion is witty, intelligent, and charming, and though he can be cruel at times, he also possesses a great deal of empathy, due to his own experience as the butt of many jokes.

Why F***? Because even though he's not a "whole man," Tyrion has had a lot of practice in the bedroom, and takes great pride in satisfying his women, whores or otherwise.

Why Kill? Because Tyrion may be too cunning for his own good... or yours. They say when you play the game of thrones, you win or you die, and if Tyrion has decided that you're not going to win, then it's probably better to kill him before he can get to you.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Tyrion, F*** Jorah, Kill Brienne
Erin: Marry Tyrion, F*** Jorah, Kill Brienne
Jamie: Marry Tyrion, F*** Brienne, Kill Jorah