Benjen Stark / Jorah Mormont / Renly Baratheon

Benjen Stark



Why Marry? Because Benjen is a handsome super-star ranger of the Night’s Watch, who gave up a luxurious lord’s life to devote his life to service. Bravery is damn sexy, and this raven-haired third Stark son is nothing if not brave.

Why F***? Because he is easy on the eyes and hasn’t gotten laid in years, so you know he’d go to (Mole)town on you.

Why Kill? Because where the hell is this guy?! Just show up, Benjen! Alive, as a White Walker, as a corpse: seriously, anything! If being dead means that we get some closure with you so be it!


 

Jorah Mormont



Why Marry? Because this man wants a Khaleesi to call his own—to serve, protect, and cherish—and if you’re not the gift-grabby Lynesse you just might fit the bill. Moreover, he’s already been married, so maybe this is a guy who can learn from his mistakes.

Why F***? Because in addition to being devoted as all get-up he is also damn good-looking.

Why Kill? Because he’s a traitorous slave trader! I cannot stress this enough! I’ve gotten a lot of crap from a bunch of you (including Erin!), who tell me how awful I am for expressing disdain for him, but you have to admit that this is hardly a guy who shows the best judgment. 



Renly Baratheon



Why Marry? Because so many girls have a Renly Baratheon in their lives—that really handsome, popular, wonderful friend—and they can’t figure out why he’s not interested! How great would it be to actually marry such a great guy? (Be resigned, however, to a more or less sexless marriage.)

Why F***? Because you know he’d invite Loras, too.

Why Kill? Because who wants a sexless marriage or to be the unwelcome third in a menage-aux-trois?



Our Picks
Cedar: Marry Jorah, F*** Benjen, Kill Renly
Erin: Marry Jorah, F*** Benjen, Kill Renly
Jamie: Marry Renly, F*** Jorah, Kill Benjen
 

Balon Greyjoy / Stannis Baratheon / Tywin Lannister

Balon

  




















Why Marry? Because as an Iron Born lord, he has achieved his status through merit, not birthright, unlike all those dandy-ish southron lords. He’s a risk-taker and kind of  badass. Okay, granted, his risk-taking and badassery hasn’t worked out so well for him in the past (what with leading a failed rebellion and having to give his only son as a hostage for 10 years), but if you’re an ambitious pirate queen, Balon might be the man for you.

Why F***? Because you don’t want to “make love.” You want some hardcore, aggresive f***ing.

Why Kill? Because what is dead may never die, but rises again, harder and stronger.

Stannis

 
  









Why Marry? Because in previous posts, we’ve established that Stannis is pretty solid, if boring. What we have not discussed is that he is a real contender for the Iron Throne. Dear Dead Headless Ned was getting ready to write to him to tell him to come claim it—he has Ned approval, you guys!

Why F***? Because it wouldn’t be terrible, right? Sort of vanilla, the lights would probably be out (or maybe they’d be on: for the night is dark and full of terrors), and there would be zero cuddling afterwards, but you could do worse in Westeros.

Why Kill? Because, despite all the above arguments, you realize we’re talking about Stannis Baratheon. Stannis. 

Tywin

Why Marry? Because you’re a gold digger… literally. Tywin’s stronghold, Casterly Rock, is built on a mountain of gold. Additionally, Tywin is a power player who dearly loved his wife Joanna, so he’s historically been pretty decent husband material.

Why F***? Because power is sexy and you love bald guys.

Why Kill? Because Tywin is one of the most dangerous men in Westeros and is only out for himself and his family—it would be good for the realm to take him out of the picture. (Also, because you remember how mean he is to Tyrion.)

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Tywin, F*** Stannis, Kill Balon
Erin: Marry Tywin, F*** Stannis, Kill Balon
Jamie: Marry Stannis, F*** Balon, Kill Tywin (for the good of the realm!)

Renly Baratheon / Robert Baratheon / Stannis Baratheon

Renly Baratheon

Why marry? Because you want a nice (if somewhat foolish) husband who will probably let you have something on the side if you will permit him the same luxury.

Why f***? Because you’re a gay man. (Also, he’s certainly easy on the eyes; he has the Ser Loras seal of approval.)

Why kill? Because you're a mysterious magical shadow born of a foreign sorceress.

Robert Baratheon

Why marry? Because he’s a king, which comes with its perks. And while he’ll almost certainly not be loyal to you, chances are if you’re not a venomous hag like Cersei Lannister then he won’t be terrible to you or your children. 

Why f***? Because if you’re a woman in Westeros, he’s probably already gotten to you anyway. (Besides, he’s probably picked up a few tricks in his bedroom/brothel adventures.)

Why kill? Because you’re a wild boar. 

Stannis Baratheon

Why marry? Because there’s something to be said for stability and security. Stannis is about as stable and secure (also: boring) as they come.

Why f***? Because of these three options, you just want to pick the one that would be over with the fastest.

Why kill? Because he’s a pompous, stubborn jackass.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Renly, F*** Stannis, Kill Robert
Erin: Marry Renly, F*** Stannis, Kill Robert 
Jamie: Marry Renly, F*** Stannis, Kill Robert

Jaime Lannister / Joffrey Baratheon / Theon Greyjoy

Jaime Lannister

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because he is fiercely loyal to his family, and he produces beautiful, blond children.

 

Why F***? Because he is arguably the most passionate lover in the Seven Kingdoms. In other words: He. Will. Ravish. You.

 

Why Kill? Because, c'mon, he's the Kingslayer, and clearly has no trouble reneging on his oaths.

 

 

 

Joffrey Baratheon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because you'd get to be the Queen, with a capital Q.

 

Why F***? Because he definitely inherited the Lannister looks and hopefully inherited the family's bedroom skills as well.

 

Why Kill? Because he is clearly not the nicest king to have ever taken the throne. And he is a little too quick to the greatsword.

 

 

 

Theon Greyjoy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because he is very driven when it comes to his goals. And that brooding, handsome face wouldn't be the worst thing to come home to day after day.

 

Why F***? Because he has lots of bedroom experience and many of his conquests come back for seconds.

 

Why Kill? Because he seems to have no trouble destroying anything - or anyone - that gets in the way of his plans.

 

 

 

Our Picks

 

Cedar: Marry Jaime, F*** Theon, Kill Joffrey

Erin: Marry Jaime, F*** Theon, Kill Joffrey

Jamie: Marry Jaime, F*** Theon, Kill Joffrey