Benjen Stark / Jorah Mormont / Renly Baratheon

Benjen Stark



Why Marry? Because Benjen is a handsome super-star ranger of the Night’s Watch, who gave up a luxurious lord’s life to devote his life to service. Bravery is damn sexy, and this raven-haired third Stark son is nothing if not brave.

Why F***? Because he is easy on the eyes and hasn’t gotten laid in years, so you know he’d go to (Mole)town on you.

Why Kill? Because where the hell is this guy?! Just show up, Benjen! Alive, as a White Walker, as a corpse: seriously, anything! If being dead means that we get some closure with you so be it!


 

Jorah Mormont



Why Marry? Because this man wants a Khaleesi to call his own—to serve, protect, and cherish—and if you’re not the gift-grabby Lynesse you just might fit the bill. Moreover, he’s already been married, so maybe this is a guy who can learn from his mistakes.

Why F***? Because in addition to being devoted as all get-up he is also damn good-looking.

Why Kill? Because he’s a traitorous slave trader! I cannot stress this enough! I’ve gotten a lot of crap from a bunch of you (including Erin!), who tell me how awful I am for expressing disdain for him, but you have to admit that this is hardly a guy who shows the best judgment. 



Renly Baratheon



Why Marry? Because so many girls have a Renly Baratheon in their lives—that really handsome, popular, wonderful friend—and they can’t figure out why he’s not interested! How great would it be to actually marry such a great guy? (Be resigned, however, to a more or less sexless marriage.)

Why F***? Because you know he’d invite Loras, too.

Why Kill? Because who wants a sexless marriage or to be the unwelcome third in a menage-aux-trois?



Our Picks
Cedar: Marry Jorah, F*** Benjen, Kill Renly
Erin: Marry Jorah, F*** Benjen, Kill Renly
Jamie: Marry Renly, F*** Jorah, Kill Benjen
 

Barristan Selmy / Brynden Tully / Eddard Stark

Barristan Selmy

 








 

Why Marry? Because Barristan is an honest-to-goodness knight in shining armor. When most people can be described as brave, loyal, and honest, you can usually bet they’re none too bright: but not Barristan. This dude knows what’s up. All these qualities would make him an excellent husband (if members of the Kingsguard could marry, which they so can for the purposes of this game).

Why F***? Because you’re into good looking older guys.

Why Kill? Because Barristan was one of the few people who did not give up his allegiance to the Targaryens during Robert’s Rebellion—he supported the Mad King until the very end, which goes to show that he can be loyal to a fault.

 

Brynden Tully

 

 








 

Why Marry? Because the Blackfish is a kindly man who values his house words above all: family, duty, and honor. He is a handsome man with wit and intelligence as well as compassion. He is, however, a committed bachelor, which might be an impediment to marital bliss.

Why F***? Because he may not be willing to marry you, but a quick romp might be just fine by him!

Why Kill? Because let's be honest: as a group, the Tullys are sort of annoying. Holidays would be unbearable and you know you'd have to go to Riverrun for every. single. one. because "Family. Duty. Honor. Blah blah blah."

 

Eddard Stark

 








 

Why Marry? Because he's Ned F***ing Stark. As handsome as he is kind, this lord of Winterfell cherishes his wife, children, and vassals. His strong moral compass is a hindrance to his political abilities and ambitions, but if quiet country living is the life for you, then by the old gods and the new, marry Ned!

Why F***? Because winter is coming and so should you.

Why Kill? Because, as we all know, our poor Ned is not a particularly gifted player in the Game of Thrones.  If you don’t kill him, someone else will.

 

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Ned, F*** Barristan, Kill Brynden

Erin: Marry Barristan, F*** Ned, Kill Brynden

Jamie: Marry Brynden, F*** Ned, Kill Barristan

Asha Greyjoy / Sansa Stark / Ygritte

Asha Greyjoy

Why Marry? Because you want to marry a smart, assertive, modern woman who can wield an ax and a helm.

Why F****? Because homegirl is uninhibited as hell.

Why Kill? Because she probably has precisely zero qualms about killing you.

Sansa Stark

Why Marry? Because Sansa Stark was born to be a wife. At least that’s how she sees it, which is just as good. Sansa wants to dote on you, have your babies, and manage your castle while smiling politely and humming love songs.

Why F***? Because she’s a pretty lady full of romantic notions and a desire to please.

Why Kill? Because all that romance can be exhausting and annoying… and because you still haven’t forgiven her for what went down on the steps of the Great Sept of Baelor.

 

Ygritte

 








Why Marry? Because you won over this spearwife by capturing her by force, which is a lot less creepy beyond the Wall than it sounds.

Why F***? Because she is insatiable and kissed by fire.

Why Kill? Because Qhorin Halfhand implied that you probably should.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Ygritte, F*** Asha, Kill Sansa
Erin: Marry Asha, F*** Ygritte, Kill Sansa
Jamie: Marry Asha, F*** Ygritte, Kill Sansa

 

Eddard Stark / Jon Snow / Robb Stark

Eddard Stark

Why Marry? Because in terms of husbands, you can really do no better than Eddard Stark. He’s loyal, contemplative, and a good family man.

Why F***? Because we’ve known him to leave Catelyn quite fulfilled. And even if he’s not the most creative in the bedroom, he would feel it his duty to satisfy you.

Why Kill? Because you’re a monster with no heart and an evil soul… or a Lannister.

Jon Snow

Why Marry? Because he needs someone to heal his wounded heart. Though years of inferiority in the Stark household have taken its toll, Jon is also kind, intelligent, loyal, and, if his relationship with Arya is any indication, great with kids!

Why F***? Because you’re an idiot if you don’t want to bang Jon Snow. I mean, who doesn’t want to be the one to f*** the pain away? Plus he has that whole tall, dark, and handsome thing going for him.

Why Kill? Because sometimes too much loyalty, bravery, and sense of duty can get annoying. It’s the same impulse that makes us want to see Miss America trip during her victory walk.

Robb Stark

Why Marry? Because if Westeros were to have a Prince Charming, Robb is a strong contender for the title.

Why F***? Because who wouldn’t want to say they slept with the King of the North? Amiright?

Why Kill? Because he’s a little big for his britches. I mean, can you honestly say you haven’t wanted to knock him down a peg? Not ever?

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Ned, F*** Jon, Kill Robb
Erin: Marry Jon, F*** Ned, Kill Robb
Jamie: Marry Ned, F*** Jon, Kill Robb