Craster
Why Marry? Because if you’re beyond the
Wall you’re going to need shelter, and he has it. That is, literally, the only
possible reason I can think of to marry Craster—because you’re in a situation
where you would die of exposure otherwise.
Why F***? Because you’re beyond the Wall
and you need shelter and he says he’ll let you stay there if you f*** him.
Again—f***ing him is better than dying of exposure, but only slightly.
Why Kill? Because so many reasons.
Craster is an evil, baby-killing, daughter raping, pedophile-y creeper. Even
the Night’s Watch—an organization composed of murderers, thieves, rapists, and
ne’er-do-wells of every stripe—is loathe to have any dealings with him.
The Mountain
Why Marry? Because you’re an optimist, and
you’re not going to let the fact that he murdered his first two wives keep you
from this diamond in the rough.
Why F***? Because you have a thing for eight-foot-tall,
420 pound knights with arms like tree trunks; and for some macabre reason, you
like to play Russian roulette with your sexual partners.
Why Kill? Because, let’s face it: chances
are it’s you or him in this particularly difficult round of MFK Westeros. Like
Craster, the Mountain is an evil, baby-killing rapist. In addition to his wives, his murder victims
include his father, sister, and fellow soldiers among countless smallfolk. He
also burned off half of his brother Sandor’s face.
Ilyn
Why Marry? Because you don’t want a
chatty husband.
Why F***? Because you really dig skinny,
hollow-cheeked, pockmarked, eerie-looking bald guys.
Why Kill? Because Ser Ilyn lives for
nothing but killing. As the King’s Justice under Robert and then Joffrey
Baratheon, Ilyn excelled and rarely needed more than one blow to decapitate a
prisoner… including Ned Stark.
Our Picks
Cedar: Marry Ilyn, F*** Craster, Kill the Mountain
Erin: Marry Ilyn, F*** Craster, Kill the Mountain
Jamie: Marry Ilyn, F*** Craster, Kill the Mountain
Bronn
Why Marry? Because Bronn is smart and funny, though in unconventional ways, and has been more loyal than one might expect from a sellsword.
Why F***? Because you know what they say about long swords...
Why Kill? Because he kills people for money. And judging by his appearance and the company he's kept, your head may have a more attractive pricetag than you'd like.
Sandor "The Hound" Clegane
Why Marry? Because the Hound has grown a lot from the bloodthirsty days of his youth. Time and torture have softened him, and he has shown his capacity for compassion and good judgment.
Why F***? Because you have a thing for guys who are (more than) a little rough around the edges.
Why Kill? Because years of abuse from his childhood have made the Hound hardened and unpredictable. And his alcoholism doesn't help matters, either.
Yoren
Why Marry? Because Yoren is steadfast and dependable. Yes, he may not be the liveliest of guys, but in the unpredictable world of Westeros, loyalty cannot be undervalued.
Why F***? Because as a sworn brother of the Night's Watch for at least thirty years, Yoren is likely desperate for another's affections. There's likely little he wouldn't do to please you and be pleased by you.
Why Kill? Because his years in the Night's Watch have sucked all of the fun from him. He's a bit of a Debbie Downer and - in the grand scheme of things - very expendable.
Our Picks
Cedar: Marry Bronn, F*** Yoren, Kill The Hound
Erin: Marry Yoren, F*** Bronn, Kill The Hound
Jamie: Marry Yoren, F*** Bronn, Kill The Hound
Roose Bolton
Why Marry? Because when it comes to Roose Bolton, it's much better to be with him than against him. He is clever and skilled both on and off the battlefield and holds family in high regard.
Why F***? Because as a proponent of the "Lord's Right" marriage tradition, Roose has much practice in bedding newlywed maidens. He's also described as "soft hairless," if that's your thing.
Why Kill? Because Roose Bolton is arguably one of the cruelest men in Westeros. If you cross him, you're likely to get flayed, as his sigil forewarns. He's also really into leechings. Gross.
Sandor "The Hound" Clegane
Why Marry? Because he is strong and obedient, and behind that mutilated exterior is a glimmer of kindness, as evidenced by his saving Sansa multiple times from potential torture, rape, and murder.
Why F***? Because although he may not be the prettiest thing to look at, the Hound needs someone to lick his wounds, so to speak. Years of being ridiculed and hated have undoubtedly taken their toll, and all that pent-up frustration and anger may make for a wild night in bed.
Why Kill? Because at the end of the day, the Hound is brutal and dangerous. He has been killing men since he was 12, and old habits die hard.
Viserys Targaryen
Why Marry? Because if you care about family lineage, Viserys is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne, and marrying him could make you queen.
Why F***? Because Viserys has the beautiful silver-blond hair and purple eyes of the Targaryen clan. And if you call him your "king" in the bedroom, you could be in for a fulfilling night.
Why Kill? Because Viserys can be vicious and abusive, particularly if you do something that "awakens the dragon." His steadfast belief in his right to the Iron Throne causes him to insult or attack anyone who challenges that conviction.
Our Picks
Cedar: Marry The Hound, F*** Roose Bolton, Kill Viserys
Erin: Marry The Hound, F*** Viserys, Kill Roose Bolton
Jamie: Marry The Hound, F*** Roose Bolton, Kill Viserys
