Barristan Selmy / Brynden Tully / Eddard Stark

Barristan Selmy

 








 

Why Marry? Because Barristan is an honest-to-goodness knight in shining armor. When most people can be described as brave, loyal, and honest, you can usually bet they’re none too bright: but not Barristan. This dude knows what’s up. All these qualities would make him an excellent husband (if members of the Kingsguard could marry, which they so can for the purposes of this game).

Why F***? Because you’re into good looking older guys.

Why Kill? Because Barristan was one of the few people who did not give up his allegiance to the Targaryens during Robert’s Rebellion—he supported the Mad King until the very end, which goes to show that he can be loyal to a fault.

 

Brynden Tully

 

 








 

Why Marry? Because the Blackfish is a kindly man who values his house words above all: family, duty, and honor. He is a handsome man with wit and intelligence as well as compassion. He is, however, a committed bachelor, which might be an impediment to marital bliss.

Why F***? Because he may not be willing to marry you, but a quick romp might be just fine by him!

Why Kill? Because let's be honest: as a group, the Tullys are sort of annoying. Holidays would be unbearable and you know you'd have to go to Riverrun for every. single. one. because "Family. Duty. Honor. Blah blah blah."

 

Eddard Stark

 








 

Why Marry? Because he's Ned F***ing Stark. As handsome as he is kind, this lord of Winterfell cherishes his wife, children, and vassals. His strong moral compass is a hindrance to his political abilities and ambitions, but if quiet country living is the life for you, then by the old gods and the new, marry Ned!

Why F***? Because winter is coming and so should you.

Why Kill? Because, as we all know, our poor Ned is not a particularly gifted player in the Game of Thrones.  If you don’t kill him, someone else will.

 

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Ned, F*** Barristan, Kill Brynden

Erin: Marry Barristan, F*** Ned, Kill Brynden

Jamie: Marry Brynden, F*** Ned, Kill Barristan

Mance Rayder / Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish / Theon Greyjoy

Mance Rayder

Why Marry? Because if you can't marry the King on the Iron Throne, you might as well marry the King Beyond the Wall. Mance is a lover of music and entertainment and seems to treat his women (relatively) well.

Why F***? Because he's got some wildling in him. He's not a bad-looking fellow and the wildlings are known for being fearless in the sack.

Why Kill? Because Mance is a turncoat; he deserted his brothers of the Night's Watch and now plans to attack them. You can't trust him.

Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish

Why Marry? Because as we've mentioned before, Littlefinger has pulled himself up by his bootstraps to become one of the most powerful players in King's Landing. He's going places, and you could be the one that goes with him.

Why F***? Because he started learning the ways of women at a young age from the Tully girls, so he's had plenty of time to practice.

Why Kill? Because Littlefinger is a sneaky little bugger. He will likely stop at nothing to gain more power, and you should probably get rid of him before he gets rid of you.

Theon Greyjoy

Why Marry? Because Theon is ambitious and clever. All he wants is for someone to love and believe in him, and if you're that someone, there's probably little he wouldn't do for you.

Why F***? Because he's tall, dark, and handsome. Plus he's been around the block a few times.

Why Kill? Because he is both arrogant and ruthless: a dangerous combination.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Mance, F*** Theon, Kill Littlefinger
Erin: Marry Mance, F*** Theon, Kill Littlefinger
Jamie: Marry Mance, F*** Theon, Kill Littlefinger

Balon Greyjoy / Stannis Baratheon / Tywin Lannister

Balon

  




















Why Marry? Because as an Iron Born lord, he has achieved his status through merit, not birthright, unlike all those dandy-ish southron lords. He’s a risk-taker and kind of  badass. Okay, granted, his risk-taking and badassery hasn’t worked out so well for him in the past (what with leading a failed rebellion and having to give his only son as a hostage for 10 years), but if you’re an ambitious pirate queen, Balon might be the man for you.

Why F***? Because you don’t want to “make love.” You want some hardcore, aggresive f***ing.

Why Kill? Because what is dead may never die, but rises again, harder and stronger.

Stannis

 
  









Why Marry? Because in previous posts, we’ve established that Stannis is pretty solid, if boring. What we have not discussed is that he is a real contender for the Iron Throne. Dear Dead Headless Ned was getting ready to write to him to tell him to come claim it—he has Ned approval, you guys!

Why F***? Because it wouldn’t be terrible, right? Sort of vanilla, the lights would probably be out (or maybe they’d be on: for the night is dark and full of terrors), and there would be zero cuddling afterwards, but you could do worse in Westeros.

Why Kill? Because, despite all the above arguments, you realize we’re talking about Stannis Baratheon. Stannis. 

Tywin

Why Marry? Because you’re a gold digger… literally. Tywin’s stronghold, Casterly Rock, is built on a mountain of gold. Additionally, Tywin is a power player who dearly loved his wife Joanna, so he’s historically been pretty decent husband material.

Why F***? Because power is sexy and you love bald guys.

Why Kill? Because Tywin is one of the most dangerous men in Westeros and is only out for himself and his family—it would be good for the realm to take him out of the picture. (Also, because you remember how mean he is to Tyrion.)

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Tywin, F*** Stannis, Kill Balon
Erin: Marry Tywin, F*** Stannis, Kill Balon
Jamie: Marry Stannis, F*** Balon, Kill Tywin (for the good of the realm!)

Daenerys Targaryen / Margaery Tyrell / Ygritte

Daenerys Targaryen

Why Marry? Because Dany is confident, beautiful, ambitious, and, arguably, the rightful Queen of the Seven Kingdoms. How awesome would it be to stand by her side as she reclaims the throne? Also, she has dragons.

Why F***? Because she has become well-versed in the language of the bedroom through her marriage to Khal Drogo and thorough instruction from Doreah. She's also stunningly attractive.

Why Kill? Because as her confidence has grown, so has her determination to get what she wants at any cost. Dany has left many dead or damaged in her wake, and if she sees you as an obstacle to reaching the Iron Throne, you're likely to become one of them. Did I mention she has dragons?!

Margaery Tyrell

Why Marry? Because who wouldn't want to married to the most beautiful woman in Westeros? Margaery is also kind, smart, and more clever than she appears.

Why F***? Because taking the maidenhood of the most beautiful woman in Westeros is the next best thing to marrying her.

Why Kill? Because the Tyrells have thorns hidden behind those rosy exteriors, and they are less pliable and predictable than they originally appear.

Ygritte

Why Marry? Because she's spontaneous, fun to be around, and good-humored. If you want a strong, confident wildling woman, Ygritte's your gal!

Why F***? Because her passion is as fiery as her hair. She's experienced and insatiable, and has probably picked up some tricks during her adventures beyond the Wall.

Why Kill? Because she's an unpredictable wildling and killing is in her blood.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Dany, F*** Margaery, Kill Ygritte
Erin: Marry Dany, F*** Margaery, Kill Ygritte
Jamie: Marry Margaery, F*** Dany, Kill Ygritte

Roose Bolton / Sandor "The Hound" Clegane / Viserys Targaryen

Roose Bolton

Why Marry? Because when it comes to Roose Bolton, it's much better to be with him than against him. He is clever and skilled both on and off the battlefield and holds family in high regard.

Why F***? Because as a proponent of the "Lord's Right" marriage tradition, Roose has much practice in bedding newlywed maidens. He's also described as "soft hairless," if that's your thing.

Why Kill? Because Roose Bolton is arguably one of the cruelest men in Westeros. If you cross him, you're likely to get flayed, as his sigil forewarns. He's also really into leechings. Gross.

Sandor "The Hound" Clegane

Why Marry? Because he is strong and obedient, and behind that mutilated exterior is a glimmer of kindness, as evidenced by his saving Sansa multiple times from potential torture, rape, and murder.

Why F***? Because although he may not be the prettiest thing to look at, the Hound needs someone to lick his wounds, so to speak. Years of being ridiculed and hated have undoubtedly taken their toll, and all that pent-up frustration and anger may make for a wild night in bed.

Why Kill? Because at the end of the day, the Hound is brutal and dangerous. He has been killing men since he was 12, and old habits die hard.

Viserys Targaryen

Why Marry? Because if you care about family lineage, Viserys is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne, and marrying him could make you queen.

Why F***? Because Viserys has the beautiful silver-blond hair and purple eyes of the Targaryen clan. And if you call him your "king" in the bedroom, you could be in for a fulfilling night.

Why Kill? Because Viserys can be vicious and abusive, particularly if you do something that "awakens the dragon." His steadfast belief in his right to the Iron Throne causes him to insult or attack anyone who challenges that conviction.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry The Hound, F*** Roose Bolton, Kill Viserys
Erin: Marry The Hound, F*** Viserys, Kill Roose Bolton
Jamie: Marry The Hound, F*** Roose Bolton, Kill Viserys

Bronn / Davos Seaworth / Jaqen H'gar

Bronn

Why Marry? Because even though he is a knave-ish sellsword, Bronn is clever and witty. If you’re good to him, he’ll be good to you… unless something better comes along.

Why F***? Because you like bad boys and greasy hair.

Why Kill? Because he’s been killing since before he could shave.

 

Davos Seaworth

 










Why Marry? Because Davos is the epitome of loyalty. He is a loving father and husband and just oozes decency.

Why F***? Because he may be a Boy Scout these days, but he used to be a pirate so… yar. 

Why Kill? Because you are freaked out by his severed finger necklace. Seriously? Just let ‘em go.

Jaqen H'ghar

 










Why Marry? Because he has the seemingly magical ability to give you whatever you ask of him. He’d also kill for you… literally.

Why F***? Because you want to knock boots with someone who can look like Jon Snow, Jaime Lannister, and/or Daenerys Targaryen. 

Why Kill? Valar Morghulis.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Davos, F*** Jaqen, Kill Bronn
Erin: Marry Davos, F*** Jaqen, Kill Bronn
Jamie: Marry Davos, F*** Jaqen, Kill Bronn

Cersei Lannister / Lysa Arryn / Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish

Cersei Lannister

Why Marry? Because she is Queen regent and a prominent member of an extremely powerful family—marrying her could be an advantageous political move.

Why F***? Because she is one of the fairest ladies in the land.

 

Why Kill? Because the Maester General has determined that being married to Cersei is hazardous to your health. And unless you're Jaime, you are not her bedroom type. Also: she's Cersei Lannister. Come on now.

 

 

 

Lysa Arryn

 

 

Why Marry? Because even though Lysa is a neurotic psychopath, she’s pretty easily manipulated if you play your cards right (though you have to be okay with playing second fiddle to Little Lord Robert). Also, as she’s Catelyn’s sister, you would have a good excuse to go hang out with the Starks if you wanted to!

Why F***? Because Lysa is completely love-starved and all that longing would probably make for a fun time.

Why Kill? Because the woman is completely insufferable.

 

 

 

Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish

 

 

Why Marry? Because he has worked his way up from a backwater lordling to one of the most powerful men in Westeros: this guy is a master player and allying yourself with him may not be a bad bet. If you truly believe yourself to be in his good graces his scheming could get you places.

Why F***? Because he’s a quick study, and has probably picked up a few good tips in the brothel he owns.

Why Kill? Because as Ned Stark learned too late, Littlefinger is dangerous. If you leave him alive, you will always have to be on your toes.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Cersei, F*** Lysa, Kill Littlefinger

Erin: Marry Lysa, F*** Cersei, Kill Littlefinger

Jamie:  Marry Lysa, F*** Cersei, Kill Littlefinger