Bronn / Davos Seaworth / Jaqen H'gar

Bronn

Why Marry? Because even though he is a knave-ish sellsword, Bronn is clever and witty. If you’re good to him, he’ll be good to you… unless something better comes along.

Why F***? Because you like bad boys and greasy hair.

Why Kill? Because he’s been killing since before he could shave.

 

Davos Seaworth

 










Why Marry? Because Davos is the epitome of loyalty. He is a loving father and husband and just oozes decency.

Why F***? Because he may be a Boy Scout these days, but he used to be a pirate so… yar. 

Why Kill? Because you are freaked out by his severed finger necklace. Seriously? Just let ‘em go.

Jaqen H'ghar

 










Why Marry? Because he has the seemingly magical ability to give you whatever you ask of him. He’d also kill for you… literally.

Why F***? Because you want to knock boots with someone who can look like Jon Snow, Jaime Lannister, and/or Daenerys Targaryen. 

Why Kill? Valar Morghulis.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Davos, F*** Jaqen, Kill Bronn
Erin: Marry Davos, F*** Jaqen, Kill Bronn
Jamie: Marry Davos, F*** Jaqen, Kill Bronn

Cersei Lannister / Lysa Arryn / Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish

Cersei Lannister

Why Marry? Because she is Queen regent and a prominent member of an extremely powerful family—marrying her could be an advantageous political move.

Why F***? Because she is one of the fairest ladies in the land.

 

Why Kill? Because the Maester General has determined that being married to Cersei is hazardous to your health. And unless you're Jaime, you are not her bedroom type. Also: she's Cersei Lannister. Come on now.

 

 

 

Lysa Arryn

 

 

Why Marry? Because even though Lysa is a neurotic psychopath, she’s pretty easily manipulated if you play your cards right (though you have to be okay with playing second fiddle to Little Lord Robert). Also, as she’s Catelyn’s sister, you would have a good excuse to go hang out with the Starks if you wanted to!

Why F***? Because Lysa is completely love-starved and all that longing would probably make for a fun time.

Why Kill? Because the woman is completely insufferable.

 

 

 

Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish

 

 

Why Marry? Because he has worked his way up from a backwater lordling to one of the most powerful men in Westeros: this guy is a master player and allying yourself with him may not be a bad bet. If you truly believe yourself to be in his good graces his scheming could get you places.

Why F***? Because he’s a quick study, and has probably picked up a few good tips in the brothel he owns.

Why Kill? Because as Ned Stark learned too late, Littlefinger is dangerous. If you leave him alive, you will always have to be on your toes.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Cersei, F*** Lysa, Kill Littlefinger

Erin: Marry Lysa, F*** Cersei, Kill Littlefinger

Jamie:  Marry Lysa, F*** Cersei, Kill Littlefinger

 

Asha Greyjoy / Sansa Stark / Ygritte

Asha Greyjoy

Why Marry? Because you want to marry a smart, assertive, modern woman who can wield an ax and a helm.

Why F****? Because homegirl is uninhibited as hell.

Why Kill? Because she probably has precisely zero qualms about killing you.

Sansa Stark

Why Marry? Because Sansa Stark was born to be a wife. At least that’s how she sees it, which is just as good. Sansa wants to dote on you, have your babies, and manage your castle while smiling politely and humming love songs.

Why F***? Because she’s a pretty lady full of romantic notions and a desire to please.

Why Kill? Because all that romance can be exhausting and annoying… and because you still haven’t forgiven her for what went down on the steps of the Great Sept of Baelor.

 

Ygritte

 








Why Marry? Because you won over this spearwife by capturing her by force, which is a lot less creepy beyond the Wall than it sounds.

Why F***? Because she is insatiable and kissed by fire.

Why Kill? Because Qhorin Halfhand implied that you probably should.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Ygritte, F*** Asha, Kill Sansa
Erin: Marry Asha, F*** Ygritte, Kill Sansa
Jamie: Marry Asha, F*** Ygritte, Kill Sansa

 

Gendry / Khal Drogo / Loras Tyrell

Gendry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because Gendry will stand by those he loves, as evidenced by all of the risks he's taken for Arya's sake. He will likely be a dedicated family man and, as a talented blacksmith, a reliable provider.

 

Why F***? Because all that blacksmithing has turned Gendry into a muscular young man who is skilled with his hands. And who wouldn't want to gaze longingly into those blue eyes all night?

 

Why Kill? Because as Robert's bastard son, he brings with him a lot of drama and a healthy dose of danger. Killing him would be for the good of the realm.

 

 

 

Khal Drogo



Why Marry? Because he is a gifted warrior and has shown how devoted and generous a husband he can be.

 

Why F***? Because he has proven himself to be a very powerful yet tender lover.

 

Why Kill? Because the Dothraki are prone to violent fighting and spend their free time pillaging cities. Or because you're a maegi.

 

 

 

Loras Tyrell

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because he is, quite literally, a knight in shining armor; beautiful and skilled, Loras is beloved by many. Plus, he might be up for an "open" relationship, if that's your thing.

 

Why F***? Because every girl in the Seven Kingdoms wants a piece, and how great would it be to be the one who actually gets to bed him?!

 

Why Kill? Because Loras is a little too full of himself, and the toll his heart has taken due to Renly's death could make him a bit too unpredictable.

 

 

 

 

Our Picks

 

Cedar: Marry Loras, F*** Gendry, Kill Khal Drogo

Erin: Marry Gendry, F*** Khal Drogo, Kill Loras

Jamie: Marry Khal Drogo, F*** Gendry, Kill Loras

Renly Baratheon / Robert Baratheon / Stannis Baratheon

Renly Baratheon

Why marry? Because you want a nice (if somewhat foolish) husband who will probably let you have something on the side if you will permit him the same luxury.

Why f***? Because you’re a gay man. (Also, he’s certainly easy on the eyes; he has the Ser Loras seal of approval.)

Why kill? Because you're a mysterious magical shadow born of a foreign sorceress.

Robert Baratheon

Why marry? Because he’s a king, which comes with its perks. And while he’ll almost certainly not be loyal to you, chances are if you’re not a venomous hag like Cersei Lannister then he won’t be terrible to you or your children. 

Why f***? Because if you’re a woman in Westeros, he’s probably already gotten to you anyway. (Besides, he’s probably picked up a few tricks in his bedroom/brothel adventures.)

Why kill? Because you’re a wild boar. 

Stannis Baratheon

Why marry? Because there’s something to be said for stability and security. Stannis is about as stable and secure (also: boring) as they come.

Why f***? Because of these three options, you just want to pick the one that would be over with the fastest.

Why kill? Because he’s a pompous, stubborn jackass.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Renly, F*** Stannis, Kill Robert
Erin: Marry Renly, F*** Stannis, Kill Robert 
Jamie: Marry Renly, F*** Stannis, Kill Robert

Brienne of Tarth / Jorah Mormont / Tyrion Lannister

Brienne of Tarth

Why Marry? Because Brienne is nothing if not loyal. She would undoubtedly risk everything to protect -- and please -- those she loves. She's also pretty handy with a sword, which, in Westeros, cannot be undervalued.

Why F***? Because she has a lot of pent-up passion in that lumbering body of hers. A lot. She's also pretty athletic and surprisingly nimble, which might translate well in the bedroom.

Why Kill? Because she's a little too eager to please. And her unwavering allegiance to Renly would get really old really fast.

Jorah Mormont

Why Marry? Because Jorah has proven himself a devoted companion and will offer both protection and advice. And, although his marriage to Lynesse isn't going too great, it's not for lack of effort -- or expensive gifts -- on his part.

Why F***? Because he is eager to please and somewhat starved for love, which means he's likely to try his very hardest (pun intended) in the sack.

Why Kill? Because he is an exiled knight and a former slave trader, both of which bring into question his morals. Also, that whole "tattling on Dany's comings and goings to Varys" thing suggests that his loyalty may be easily sold to the highest bidder.

Tyrion Lannister

Why Marry? Because he's clearly the best of the Lannisters, even if he doesn't share their good looks. Tyrion is witty, intelligent, and charming, and though he can be cruel at times, he also possesses a great deal of empathy, due to his own experience as the butt of many jokes.

Why F***? Because even though he's not a "whole man," Tyrion has had a lot of practice in the bedroom, and takes great pride in satisfying his women, whores or otherwise.

Why Kill? Because Tyrion may be too cunning for his own good... or yours. They say when you play the game of thrones, you win or you die, and if Tyrion has decided that you're not going to win, then it's probably better to kill him before he can get to you.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Tyrion, F*** Jorah, Kill Brienne
Erin: Marry Tyrion, F*** Jorah, Kill Brienne
Jamie: Marry Tyrion, F*** Brienne, Kill Jorah

Catelyn Tully / Cersei Lannister / Melisandre

Catelyn Tully

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because she has proven herself a dedicated wife and mother, always putting her family first, even if it upsets the kingdom's order.

 

Why F***? Because she has managed to keep her figure, despite giving birth to five children, and has always acquiesced to her husband's needs in the boudoir.

 

Why Kill? Because her poor decision-making skills keep getting her and her family into trouble. Plus, she was cruel to Jon Snow. How could anyone be cruel to Jon Snow?!

 

 

Cersei Lannister

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because if you're in her inner circle, you're golden, as she will stop at nothing to gain power and recognition for herself and her family.

 

Why F***?  Because she's basically the Barbie of Westeros. And I'm sure if you threw on a blonde wig, she'd love you even longer.

 

Why Kill? Because she's vicious and calculating. And you're a brunette.

 

 

Melisandre

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because when it comes to shadow-birthing priestesses, it's better to be by their side than against them.

 

Why F***?  Because her R'hllor magic probably comes with some erotic perks or powers. She's also as beautiful as she is mysterious.

 

Why Kill? Because no one (wo)man should have all that power. And if you look at her sideways, she's likely to sic her shadow assassin on you.

 

 

 

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Melisandre, F*** Catelyn, Kill Cersei

Erin: Marry Melisandre, F*** Catelyn, Kill Cersei

Jamie: Marry Melisandre, F*** Cersei, Kill Catelyn