Brienne of Tarth / Jorah Mormont / Tyrion Lannister

Brienne of Tarth

Why Marry? Because Brienne is nothing if not loyal. She would undoubtedly risk everything to protect -- and please -- those she loves. She's also pretty handy with a sword, which, in Westeros, cannot be undervalued.

Why F***? Because she has a lot of pent-up passion in that lumbering body of hers. A lot. She's also pretty athletic and surprisingly nimble, which might translate well in the bedroom.

Why Kill? Because she's a little too eager to please. And her unwavering allegiance to Renly would get really old really fast.

Jorah Mormont

Why Marry? Because Jorah has proven himself a devoted companion and will offer both protection and advice. And, although his marriage to Lynesse isn't going too great, it's not for lack of effort -- or expensive gifts -- on his part.

Why F***? Because he is eager to please and somewhat starved for love, which means he's likely to try his very hardest (pun intended) in the sack.

Why Kill? Because he is an exiled knight and a former slave trader, both of which bring into question his morals. Also, that whole "tattling on Dany's comings and goings to Varys" thing suggests that his loyalty may be easily sold to the highest bidder.

Tyrion Lannister

Why Marry? Because he's clearly the best of the Lannisters, even if he doesn't share their good looks. Tyrion is witty, intelligent, and charming, and though he can be cruel at times, he also possesses a great deal of empathy, due to his own experience as the butt of many jokes.

Why F***? Because even though he's not a "whole man," Tyrion has had a lot of practice in the bedroom, and takes great pride in satisfying his women, whores or otherwise.

Why Kill? Because Tyrion may be too cunning for his own good... or yours. They say when you play the game of thrones, you win or you die, and if Tyrion has decided that you're not going to win, then it's probably better to kill him before he can get to you.

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Tyrion, F*** Jorah, Kill Brienne
Erin: Marry Tyrion, F*** Jorah, Kill Brienne
Jamie: Marry Tyrion, F*** Brienne, Kill Jorah

Catelyn Tully / Cersei Lannister / Melisandre

Catelyn Tully

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because she has proven herself a dedicated wife and mother, always putting her family first, even if it upsets the kingdom's order.

 

Why F***? Because she has managed to keep her figure, despite giving birth to five children, and has always acquiesced to her husband's needs in the boudoir.

 

Why Kill? Because her poor decision-making skills keep getting her and her family into trouble. Plus, she was cruel to Jon Snow. How could anyone be cruel to Jon Snow?!

 

 

Cersei Lannister

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because if you're in her inner circle, you're golden, as she will stop at nothing to gain power and recognition for herself and her family.

 

Why F***?  Because she's basically the Barbie of Westeros. And I'm sure if you threw on a blonde wig, she'd love you even longer.

 

Why Kill? Because she's vicious and calculating. And you're a brunette.

 

 

Melisandre

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because when it comes to shadow-birthing priestesses, it's better to be by their side than against them.

 

Why F***?  Because her R'hllor magic probably comes with some erotic perks or powers. She's also as beautiful as she is mysterious.

 

Why Kill? Because no one (wo)man should have all that power. And if you look at her sideways, she's likely to sic her shadow assassin on you.

 

 

 

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Melisandre, F*** Catelyn, Kill Cersei

Erin: Marry Melisandre, F*** Catelyn, Kill Cersei

Jamie: Marry Melisandre, F*** Cersei, Kill Catelyn

Jaime Lannister / Joffrey Baratheon / Theon Greyjoy

Jaime Lannister

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because he is fiercely loyal to his family, and he produces beautiful, blond children.

 

Why F***? Because he is arguably the most passionate lover in the Seven Kingdoms. In other words: He. Will. Ravish. You.

 

Why Kill? Because, c'mon, he's the Kingslayer, and clearly has no trouble reneging on his oaths.

 

 

 

Joffrey Baratheon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because you'd get to be the Queen, with a capital Q.

 

Why F***? Because he definitely inherited the Lannister looks and hopefully inherited the family's bedroom skills as well.

 

Why Kill? Because he is clearly not the nicest king to have ever taken the throne. And he is a little too quick to the greatsword.

 

 

 

Theon Greyjoy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Marry? Because he is very driven when it comes to his goals. And that brooding, handsome face wouldn't be the worst thing to come home to day after day.

 

Why F***? Because he has lots of bedroom experience and many of his conquests come back for seconds.

 

Why Kill? Because he seems to have no trouble destroying anything - or anyone - that gets in the way of his plans.

 

 

 

Our Picks

 

Cedar: Marry Jaime, F*** Theon, Kill Joffrey

Erin: Marry Jaime, F*** Theon, Kill Joffrey

Jamie: Marry Jaime, F*** Theon, Kill Joffrey

Eddard Stark / Jon Snow / Robb Stark

Eddard Stark

Why Marry? Because in terms of husbands, you can really do no better than Eddard Stark. He’s loyal, contemplative, and a good family man.

Why F***? Because we’ve known him to leave Catelyn quite fulfilled. And even if he’s not the most creative in the bedroom, he would feel it his duty to satisfy you.

Why Kill? Because you’re a monster with no heart and an evil soul… or a Lannister.

Jon Snow

Why Marry? Because he needs someone to heal his wounded heart. Though years of inferiority in the Stark household have taken its toll, Jon is also kind, intelligent, loyal, and, if his relationship with Arya is any indication, great with kids!

Why F***? Because you’re an idiot if you don’t want to bang Jon Snow. I mean, who doesn’t want to be the one to f*** the pain away? Plus he has that whole tall, dark, and handsome thing going for him.

Why Kill? Because sometimes too much loyalty, bravery, and sense of duty can get annoying. It’s the same impulse that makes us want to see Miss America trip during her victory walk.

Robb Stark

Why Marry? Because if Westeros were to have a Prince Charming, Robb is a strong contender for the title.

Why F***? Because who wouldn’t want to say they slept with the King of the North? Amiright?

Why Kill? Because he’s a little big for his britches. I mean, can you honestly say you haven’t wanted to knock him down a peg? Not ever?

Our Picks

Cedar: Marry Ned, F*** Jon, Kill Robb
Erin: Marry Jon, F*** Ned, Kill Robb
Jamie: Marry Ned, F*** Jon, Kill Robb